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There are several people who like to achieve excellence in facing work tasks, and enjoy their job


fadhilmd25 41 / 75 11  
Oct 27, 2016   #1
Do you agree that money is the only motivation at work why people prefer working in the same company for many years?

Some people have a tendency to work at same company everyday only to earn money. This essay would deny with such an idea as except money, the working experience as well as the personal satisfaction are the reasons why they keep working all day in the same workplace.

It is generally believed that earning wages is not as satisfied as having experiences in different situations during office hours. The reason for this is that workers spend all-day in same workplaces to analyze any tasks, decide their solution and execute through actions based on their decision, which indirectly have exposed them to different challenges. For instance, there are almost 50% of workers out of 1000 workers who feel happy while working in the same office as they get numerous variations of experience even though they already have potential in solving some of them according to survey in well-known company. It is true that experience in unfamiliar workplace is as important as money needed to keep their lifestyle.

Aside from what is explained above, personal joyfulness is more likely to be the reason why people do their job sincerely. This is because doing job over and over again seems bored to most officers who already have enough income and experiences. Therefore, they tend to enjoy either what they have chosen to work or unexpected occupation they had. In 2009, national survey that analyze the aim of people working showed most of old people aged 40 and above were working for emotionally fulfillment rather than having luxurious accommodation. It is undeniable for people working in the same place for personal satisfaction reason.

To conclude, not only money-oriented officers who are generally occupying the total workers in the office, but also there are several people who like to achieve excellence in facing work tasks as well as feel enjoyment in their occupation. This is because learning the ways how to handle their jobs require effort even if they already understand them, while bored feelings towards work may change in a way how they should feel happy about it. In addition, it is predicted that other reasons, such as, insurances and pension are aimed by workers to do their job in similar company.
fauziyahtami 22 / 38 6  
Oct 27, 2016   #2
Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some corrections

==> ... tendency to work at (the) same company every ...
==> This essay would deny with such an idea as except money, (tend to make me confuse)the working experience(s)(,) as well as the (...) they keep working all day in (at) the same workplace.

==> ... that workers spend all- day (long)in same workplaces (try to paraphrase this word, "in the office") to analyze any tasks, (...) and execute through actions based on their decision

==> For instance, ........................ potential in solving some of them (,) according to(the) survey in (a) well-known company. It is true that experience in (the) unfamiliar workplace is as important as money needed to keep their lifestyle(keep their life going well) . (you can complete your paragraph with a result from the instance)

==> Aside from what is(has) explained above,
==> This is because doing (a) job over (...) bored to most (of) officers who already ...
==> In 2009, (a) national survey (from where? you can mention the place) that analyze the aim (...) showed most of (the) old people aged (...) working for emotionally fulfillment (fulfilment ) rather than ...

==> ... and pension are aimed by(at) workers to do their job in (the) similar company.

* you did not mention your statement, agree or disagree? you have to address it at the introduction and conclusion, so it will make your essay more clearly

* try to make multiple ideas

you have done great
good luck and keep writing :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4773  
Oct 27, 2016   #3
Fadhil, your conclusion is not properly developed. I do not know if you were taught this in class but, you are not allowed to present additional supporting or contradicting information in the conclusion. You are only supposed to provide a conclusion to the discussion presented. That said, You should go back and review your essay. Make sure that the facts you are presenting in the conclusion at the moment is given its own paragraph so that you can write a new and proper conclusion instead.

I would score this a 4 on the IELTS band for a number of reasons. Your logical development is faulty and sometimes, does not have complete thoughts. Your grammar is sometimes not understandable so the reader cannot really identify what it is you are trying to say. Finally, you did not format the essay properly as I explained above.


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