Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

IELTS Essay severe punishment for traffic offensese


jenny45 4 / 8 1  
Nov 1, 2012   #1
your comments (include grammer, score...) are highly appreciated ~thx

topic In order to improve safety on our roads more severe punishment should be established for driving offenses. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

When it comes to traffic accident, some assert that severe penalty should be imposed, in a bid to improve security. I agree with the view that this action will curb the offenses, but still, other approaches can more or less reduce traffic violations.

Plainly one of the effective punishments is more serious penalty points. Recently, in China, the Department of Transportation put a regulation which doubts the penalty points for breaking traffic light into practice, this means if you disobey traffic light in twice, your driving license will be disqualified. Thanks to this drivers become more aware of traffic law and comply with it better since they know the more serious consequences after violating.

Moreover, more severe fining system surely enables to cut down the quantity of offences. Which can give credence to this point is the case of my father's friend. In the past, the over speeding was only punished through verbal warning and 2 penalty points. My father's friend often drives as fast as he wants. After having to pay the fine as considerable as 500 yuan for this disobedient, never does he drive over the speed limit. Therefore, intensifying retribution suppresses people's attempt to break the traffic laws.

It is not to say, however, other approaches can be ignored. For example, setting up more stringent driving test to enhance driver's proficiency; propagating potential jeopardy of disobedient to educate public. Indeed, those actions can make offenses lessen, in contrast, retribution could have direct influence on curtailing traffic crimes.

On the whole, the combination of severe punishment and other approaches is the best recipe for making our road safer

hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Nov 3, 2012   #2
Firstly, i think you should not use " I " or " my " frequently in your essay to make it more objective
Secondly, i think you should state your opinion more clearly. when i read your introduction, i cannot know what are you going to write in body part. it is a little bit vague

Thirdly, your conclusion is too short. you should restate your ideas and conclude. 3 - 4 sentences for the last paragraph is appropriate
I suggest that when you face this kind of topic, it would be much easier to write if you choose to totally agree or disagree then giving reasons

You also make some grammar mistakes such as:
"For example, setting up more stringent driving test to enhance driver's proficiency; propagating potential jeopardy of disobedient to educate public" ---> remember that this is not a full sentence. ielts examiners may think that you are bad at grammar

this is my opinion
p/s: i am trying to write ielts essays too ;)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 3, 2012   #3
When it comes totrafficroad accidents , some assert that severe penaltypenalties should be imposed, in a bid to improve security. I agree with theMy view is that thissuch action will curb the offenses, but still, other approaches can more or less reduce traffic violations.

When you say '' I agree with the view '', the reader gets the impression that you either feel such actions are the best way to curb accidents happening or otherwise. That's why hvthoteen has commented :

Secondly, i think you should state your opinion more clearly. when i read your introduction, i cannot know what are you going to write in body part. it is a little bit vague

However, I do not see anything wrong in taking a moderate stance as you have taken in this essay. Only you need to justify why you hold such opinion giving reasons to both sides and supporting them with good examples.

You write well and also you follow the expected structure. Pay more attention to vocabulary and grammar. I like your style of writing.

Plainly Simply, one of the effective punishments is more serious penalty points. Recently, in China, the Department of Transportation putintroduced a regulation which doubtsassigns the penalty points to the drivers when they do not follow for breaking traffic lightsinto practice , this means if you disobey traffic lightsin twice, your driving license will be disqualified. Thanks to this drivers have become more awarecareful and cautious about obeyingof traffic law and comply with it better since they know thehave to face with more serious consequences afterby violating the law .

GOOD LUCK! :)
OP jenny45 4 / 8 1  
Nov 3, 2012   #4
dumi~thanks for your helping~~~~


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay severe punishment for traffic offensese