Sharing Household Chores
These days, almost all countries are an increase in the notion of equality between men and women. Some nations argue that it is reasonable to share household works between males and females because they are working full time. In my personal, I strongly agree with this view.
To begin with, it reduces the feeling of pressure of women and helps men and women have a lot of time talking together. Firstly, sharing household works decline the stress of women since they do not always think and arrange all household works after finishing work at the company. For instance, if husband and wife have shared about a husband doing some things and a wife doing another thing, they can finish household works fastly. Instead, a woman must divide what to do today and tomorrow in their spare time. Moreover, the husband and wife can be talking together or play with their children as the wife does not spend more time doing household works. Usually, if they do not have to share household works, the wife will do all household work while some husbands read the news, chats, or plays a game. Therefore, the shared household works help husbands feel like cherishing the time with family.
Additionally, it not only raises awareness of children in a family that they need to share and help their friends to do clean or any beneficial works, but it also makes children feel the warm atmosphere in a family. When children see a way in which their parents share household works, they can imitate by the help their parents in their family or help their friends in school. As a consequence, children will grow with good quality. Furthermore, children feel happy and warm when they live at home, instead of feeling alone and cool when their mother do household works and their father surface on the mobile phone. They dare not call their mother or father to play with them because they see stress emotion from their parents. This lead to creating fear in children's' mind. Whereas, if their parents share household works to finish them fastly and then spend the rest of the time talking and play with them, they will not that fear.
In conclusion, for the reason I have mentioned above, I extremely believe that women and men should share household works.
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You did an almost excellent job in the restatement. You represented the topic and the reason for the discussion in a manner that I hope, represents the original prompt, without repeating any keywords. I would have preferred to read the original prompt to give a more detailed analysis of that section of your writing, but this will have to do. I'll just assume you did not repeat key phrases. By the way, your response to the question, it has a missing descriptive word that would have given the sentence proper meaning. You forgot to say "In my personal OPINION", since that is what was being asked for in the discussion instruction.
The reasoning paragraphs are too busy. You are offering way too much justification without focusing on the important scoring considerations such as the LR, GRA, or C&C sections. It would have been better if you stopped after 5 sentences, instead of proceeding to overwhelm the paragraph with information that no longer helps your discussion point. It created avenues for language errors in terms of sentence structure, word usage, and discussion focus. In this case, saying what you you have to say in a clear manner without being too wordy, would help you get a better score in the previous sections I mentioned.
Your conclusion presentation needs to be able to summarize the essay content within 3-5 sentences or 40 words. That is another reason why you should not offer too much evidence per paragraph. It makes it difficult for you to properly recapitulate the content at the end.
Hi, your essay is written well. However, I found some errors, try to be more careful!
- ... works declines the stress...
- ...can be talking-> talk together...
- they will not in that fear
- you use household works too often. Try to use another words like chores, housework, household duties ...
- your sentences are excessive. You should create concise ones more.
Hope my sugestions useful!
Your essay's strongest points lie in your opinion. Your views are well represented and are usually readable to the audience. It's direct and doesn't waffle. However, with those strengths also lie your weaknesses. Consider the following sentence:
- Firstly, sharing household works decline the stress ...
This sentence is one of the best examples of the problem your essay faces. Your sentences often feel either crowded, poorly arranged, and/ awkwardly worded. For this sentence, you don't need to say "Firstly"; you opened your paragraph with "To begin with". "Works," although is correct, is not the best word choice, especially as you a referring to household maintenance. I would also make the paragraph gender-neutral to reduce unintentional gender bias to come through as the question asks you to look through both men's and women's perspectives. My change for this would be:
= Sharing household chores reduces the stress ...
You could afford a longer introduction and conclusion. I would suggest laying out the reasons why you agree with the opinion as it lays a format that allows the audience to follow in your essay. I would also suggest you give more justifications for your opinions. This way, you can make your conclusion longer as you recap what you have covered previously.
Hopefully, this helps!