Unanswered [0] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Writing Feedback   2

[IELTS: Task 1] Shares of the mobile phone market - the table.


Please check my writing and give me score. Thank you!

mobile phones in the years of 2005 and 2006



The table illustrates the proportion of manufacturers reaching in the global mobile phone market in two different years 2005 and 2006.
Overall, in the both of years, Nokia was still the leading company with the highest share. While Motorola and Ericsson recorded a slight increase, the remaining brands reduced over two separate years.

Nokia accounted for the highest percentage in the mobile phone market with 32,5% in 2005 and 35% in 2006. Besides, Motorola in 2006 reached the second place in market share with 21,1% after a slight rise over more than 3% over one year. Likewise, Sony Ericsson experienced the lower increase by just over 1,1 % from 2005 to 2006.

By the contrast, Samsung, L.G, Ben Q.Mobile and others saw a considerable reduction in the share of mobile market. Ben Q. Mobile continued to be the brand with the lowest market share in both years at 4,9% and 2,3%, respectively. The figure for others showed the highest fall of all brands from 19,2% in 2005 to 16,2% in 2006. Finally, there was a slight reduction in the percentage of Samsung and L.G in this market.




Jul 14, 2017   #2
You can most likely get a 5 for the task accuracy portion and a 6 for the rest of the scoring criteria. That means that with this analytical summary essay, your overall score falls between a 5 and a 6, depending on the smaller considerations that the examiner will take into account while considering your work. Your information presentation is alright. The problem is that your summary paragraph / opening paragraph does not follow the proper requirements for this essay. Your opening statement must never be a thorough discussion of the information provided. It must always and only describe the type of illustration, the point of the illustration, and the information that you will be presenting. The opening statement is, in effect, nothing more than an overview of the body paragraphs. Since this is a 5 paragraph essay, the essay paragraph should be as follows:

1 - Summary paragraph
2-4 body paragraph with discussions of the content of the illustration
5 - Conclusion

The final paragraph should accurately sum up your analysis of the given data and what the data analysis trends towards. You have the correct minimum number of paragraphs in the essay so keep doing that. The problem you have has to do with the presentation of the information as previously indicated. Though your grammar structure is not perfect, it is capable of delivering your analysis in an understandable manner and therefore, is not as big of a problem as it could have been. Good job! I hope to see continued improvement on your part.


Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS: Task 1] Shares of the mobile phone market - the table.