I'm preparing for IELTS writing test. Any comment and correction note is highly appreciated.
Shining stars in the dark skies have been haunted men's minds for thousands of years. Meticulous observations and mathematical calculations were made by astronomers from their observatories to trace the stars and measure the distance between them to discover the effects of celestial bodies on the callendar. However, it was only in the modern age that technological progress made it possible to penetrate the areas that had been remaining obscure for years. Still, due to its expensive price, the necessity of space exploration is debated. This essay will discuss whether or not countries should invest on space exploration.
Firstly, space exploration has accelerated the progress of science by providing new research grounds, from meteorology to topology. The information's gathered and transited by satellites every seconds have changed our lives profoundly. Special pictures presented the humankind a whole new perception of himself, as a part of infinite universe. For these benefits it provides, world should make a worthwhile contribution for space exploration progress.
Nevertheless, governments have to invest astronomical amounts of money on space exploration, while they ignore more important issues they face here on earth. The critical issues like international poverty or environmental pollution can be handled with far less expenses than those spent on space exploration.
Secondly, with the ever-increasing population of earth and its finite natural resources the idea of dwelling in other planets no longer seems far-fetched. Even some scientists like DR. Hawking argue that it is the only solution for the ever-increasing pollution of our natural environment, which will lead to extinction of all species in distant future.
Thus, we can't stop science of its progress but it can be wisely programmed.
The investigation on space exploration is an inevitable issue which governments should handle with realistic plans to not underestimate other social and economical problems people face here on earth.
Dear Behieli,
It is a pleasure to be working with you tonight. I like this essay very much because it relates to my field of study. :-)
Here are a few corrections and questions regarding your essay:
... Shining stars in the darknight skies have been haunted men's mindsmankind for thousands of years. ... The sound of "man's mind" just doesn't sound right. Please remember that men is plural and man is singular. You can say: have haunted the minds of men for thousands of years. Just a thought. ...
... Astronomers madeMm eticulous observations and mathematical calculations were made by astronomers from their observatories to trace the stars and measure the distance between them to discover the effects of celestial bodies on the callendarcalendar . ...
... obscure for years. Still, due to its expensive pricehigh cost , the necessity of space ...
... of science by providing new research grounds, from meteorology ...
... The information's gathered and transm itt ed by satellites every seconds havehas changed our lives profoundly. ... I like this part, but I think you need to add more to it. How have our lives been changed. What new techniques have grown from space exploration? What kind of research has made our lives better here on Earth? This is a bit vague. Give us more detail. ...
... Special pictures presented the humankind a whole new perception of himself, as a part of infinite universe. For these benefits it provides, world should make a worthwhile contribution for space exploration progress. ... I did not understand this sentence. I think you can erase this sentence and add more detail connecting it with your previous thought of how our lives have changed. I do understand that you are saying the following: "Space exploration has presented humankind with a whole new perception of him/herself as part of an infinite universe." I like this part, but the next part does not make sense to me.
... Nevertheless, governments have to invest ... expenses than those spent on space exploration. ...You wrote these sentences inside the paragraph that agrees with space exploration. I would move it and connect it with the third paragraph, since the third paragraph is against space exploration. Make sure you don't change thoughts too quickly in your paragraphs.
... Secondly, with the ever-increasing population of earthearth's ever increasing population and its finite natural resources, the idea of dwelling in other ...
... Even sS ome scientists like DR.Dr. Hawking argue that it is the only solution for the ever-increasing pollution of our natural environment, which will lead to extinction of all species in distant future. ... Ok, here you have another thought. You say "Dr. Hawking argues that IT." What is IT? Space exploration? If so, you are saying that space exploration is the only solution to the ever increasing pollution of our natural environment... So this is a thought that goes with the first paragraph, not the third. ...
... Thus, we can'tcannot stop science fromof its progressprogressing, but it can be wisely programmed. ...
... The investigation on sS pace exploration is an inevitable issue which gG overnments should handle it with realistic plans to not underestimate other social and economical problems people face here on earth. ...
Hello behieli,
please consider for this for your last paragraph
Thus, we can'tcan not stop science offrom progressing, but it can be wisely programmed.
The investigation on space exploration is an inevitable issue which governments should handle with realistic plans to not without000FF]without underestimateunderestimating other social and economical problems that must be faced by people on the earth . people face here on earth.
Thanks
Hi behieli,
I think better you used past tense in this statement.
Some scientists like Dr . Hawking argued that it iswas the only solution for the ever-increasing pollution of our natural environment, which willwould lead to extinction of all species in distant future.
Dear @Ester Napitupulu, @Adrian21 and @Juan Sebastian R I read your kind and precious comments and learned a lot. I'll consider your suggestions on rewriting my article.
However, I still prefer my own sentence-making on some of them. sometimes I learn some phrases from documents and movies and save them to use in future. :) for example I borrowed the sentence:have been haunted men's minds for thousands of years. from National Geography series so I'm sure it is right!
anyway this forum have the great advantage of being connected with you guys in learning english.
thanks a lot.
Hi Behieli,
If you borrowed that sentence from National Geographic, it would be best to add it as a quote. Remember what plagiarism means. I am not sure how these tests check for plagiarism, but if you are taking the exact wording said by a company, a person, or anything really, then you have to give them credit. If you don't want to add a quote, then you have to come up with an original starting sentence.
In order to avoid plagiarism, you can fix the sentence like this:
... "Shining stars in the dark skies have haunted men's minds for thousands of years," National Geographic said. ...
Please also note the following error on the sentence you wrote. You do not need "been" in here, unless you write by after haunted. Please see my corrections below:
... Shining stars in the dark skies have been haunted men's minds for thousands of years. ...
Are you saying that shining stars in the dark skies have been haunted BY men's minds for thousands of years?
Or are you saying that shining stars in the dark skies have haunted men's minds for thousands of years?
Look at the words I am adding and omitting in each sentence.
It was a pleasure working with you.
Best regards,
Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez
Thanks JuanSebastianR, you're right; I meant "shining stars in the dark skies have haunted men's minds for thousands of years"
by the way, I really don't think they're gonna check every sentence to see that we've learnt it from somewhere or not...
