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Shocked how people can't restrain their liberties. Can you correct this short message?


GuillaumeVlle 1 / -  
Dec 20, 2020   #1

I won't complain



London is now under Tier 4 coronavirus restrictions.
"I wonder who will actually listen to these rules and guidelines this Christmas"

"Ignore them and celebrate Christmas with loved ones and friends."

I am shocked.
I am shocked to read how people complain when their freedom is restrained for the sake of their good health and security.
I am shocked to witness that people aren't ready to limit their liberties for a global cause.
Yes, I won't see my family for Christmas. But yes I understand the reason and I understand why this decision was taken.

But especially,

I am extremely shocked.
Because there is a massive environmental crisis coming right towards us and we urgently need to be able to restrict our liberties.
So, I understand the causes of global warming, I understand the reason why 67% of wild animals disappeared in 40 years. And now I want decisions to be taken to restrict our freedom for the sake of future generations.

And I won't complain.
dane0305 2 / 6  
Dec 22, 2020   #2
@GuillaumeVlle
The message is very clear; however, i think that last paragraph is so far of the others. Try to develop more the last idea and connect it better with the other paragraphs.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783  
Dec 23, 2020   #3
The message of the essay is one of submission without contradiction. As a writer, the sentiments of the people should be reflected in your prose at the very start. Not just your opinion. Surely you balked at the idea of submitting to the Tier 4 lock-down as well right? Include your thoughts about it at that point. The thoughts of the people around you would have helped make the first part, of resistance before submission, highly interesting. You cannot merely submit without first resisting. Resistance is required for the complete information of the reader. A reason for your and the public's submission must also be clear beyond simply "it is the law".

The word shocked is used repeatedly throughout the essay, causing reader fatigue. Unless you were instructed to use the word repeatedly in the essay, this shows a severe lack of vocabulary skill on your part. You do not know any equivalent words for the term, which made the poem repetitive and boring to the reader. Simply adding the word "extremely" does not change the fact that the word is overused in the essay.


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