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IELTS 1: A letter to the shop manager - 'it is broken'


herzchen85 1 / 3 1  
Aug 30, 2013   #1
This is my first letter. Please, check it and tell me your opinions. I want to improve my writing skills and need your help. You recently bought a piece of equipment for your kitchen but it did not work. You phoned the shop but no action was taken.Write a letter to the shop manager.

Dear Sir,

I am one of the permanent costumers of your shop. I bought a mixer from your shop last Monday. Coming home I decided to try the new equipment and I was so disappointed to find out it was out of order. I rang the shop up and complained about it. They told me it was their fault and promised me to replace it. I took them the mixer with the purchase check and they told me to give me an answer after talking to the shop manager. I left both my mobile and house telephone numbers but I have not got any answer from them till yet.

Now I am writing you to complain about it. Please, arrange everything as soon as possible and either replace this mixer with a new one or return the money so that I can buy another one. It is my son's birthday five days later and I have promised him to bake his favorite cake for the party. I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks in advance.

Yours faithfully,

Nelly

joyhu 9 / 22 5  
Aug 30, 2013   #2
I am one of the permanent costumers of your shop

customers

I have not got any answer from them till yet.

I will write "I didn't get any answers from them till now" instead.

Please, arrange everything as soon as possible and either replace this mixer with a new one or return the money so that I can buy another one.

I am not sure if the grammar here is right or not.

It is my son's birthday five days later

Here I will write "My son's birthday is in give days."

I am a new one in Writing.
If I mislead you, I am really sorry.
Hope the reply will help you.
Wish you good luck. =)
ojhel - / 2 1  
Aug 30, 2013   #3
it's better to start writing such a formal letter with the expressions like; I am writing this letter (in relation to.../ regarding... / with regards to...)...

Although you want to make a complain, better not to use such expressions like "Now I am writing you to complain about it", because it sounds direct and impolite.

I think if you use some linking words between the sentences, that may sound more cohesive.
"It is my son's birthday five days later and I have promised him to bake his favorite cake for the party" is not RELEVANT.
OP herzchen85 1 / 3 1  
Aug 31, 2013   #4
Thank you all for suggestions, advice and help. I see I have to work hard on my writing as it is still poor yet!
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 31, 2013   #5
I see I have to work hard on my writing as it is still poor yet!

you write well, my comments are merely suggestions :)
OP herzchen85 1 / 3 1  
Sep 1, 2013   #6
Your suggestions are really helpful. Thank you very much! I learned a lot from this small letter. But still, I need a lot of improvement. have you ever taken IELTS? can u advise me where I can get materials to prepare myself for the test?
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Sep 1, 2013   #7
Hi herzchen85,

I have a few feedbacks on your letter:
- I think it is better to have three paragraphs as a response to this task
- 1st paragraph would be your intro, you only need to state here why you are writing this letter
and you may introduce yourself also in some cases
- 2nd paragraph is where you tell more details about the purpose, like how you found out about
the problem, what initial actions have you done and how you feel about the issue.
- 3rd paragraph contains the actions you require from the shop manager

hope this helps...
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Sep 2, 2013   #8
I need a lot of improvement. have you ever taken IELTS? can u advise me where I can get materials to prepare myself for the test?

Yes, I took an academic IELTS test more than one year ago, and now I am going to take a general one :(. With regard to materials I would recommend you to create a profile in IELTS-Blog.com website to get the recent tests' topics taken in different countries. In this blog you can also find good samples :)
sophisticated 4 / 9 2  
Sep 3, 2013   #9
I think formal introduction would give more impact on the tone of the letter.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Jack Sparrow. (Humble suggestion)
OP herzchen85 1 / 3 1  
Sep 5, 2013   #10
ah_zafari
This site is great! Thank you !!! :)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Sep 5, 2013   #11
I am one of the permanent costumers of your shop.

Have a separate paragraph for your introduction in which you introduce yourself and introduce your problem.This is what I suggest;
I am ???????? (Your name) who is a regular client of your shop. Last Monday, ????? (Date), I purchased a hand mixer ( give the model number or some reference of that purchase ) from your shop and soon found out it is not in order.


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