Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0] - SERVICES
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

IELTS TASK 2: THE SHOWING OF VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION HAS BAD INFLUENCE ON CHILDREN


Grahyta24 5 / 6 1  
Jun 19, 2016   #1
Question: These days, we are seeing an increase amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behavior. Do you agree or disagree?

The increasing of the number of criminal activities showed in media may give bad impact on children's behavior. This essay will agree with this idea. This is because children are easy to follow something new as they still have fresh brain. Moreover, it may give some traumas to children as the result they will afraid of meet strange people.

Children always feel curious and accept the information automatically. This is because they are still plain and it showed after they watch bad shows on television. To illustrate, a child often watches films which showed some violence tends to be harsh. They sometimes follow the activities on television such as screaming, throwing goods and yelling to their parents and make their parents become afraid to them. As the result, it creates children's personality become rude and destructive to each other.

Moreover, there are some impacts which create the opposite character of children from violence's shows on television. This is because not all children have the same character in responding of the information. For example, for several children feel afraid when watching the showing of violence on films. It creates their behavior to be wary to all new people they met. Therefore, it makes children's development grows slow and they will be uncommunicative.

To sum up, violence's shows which published in media influence children's personality that may change their original personality in two different characters those are angry and silent. Therefore, parent's characters are more important in giving education to their children and look after their children's activities is the best way which done by parents.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 778 309  
Jun 19, 2016   #2
Grahyta, with regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of weaknesses that can possibly be strengthened by applying the measurements that I am going to give you in the descriptions below. I hope you can follow through my feedback in order to enhance your writing skill.

- Your introduction paragraph seems so complicated because the language that you've used should be the language that appropriate for body paragraph. You accidentally mention 'as the result....'. It should only be an outline for the whole essay, not the details.

- Your first body paragraph was lack of conclusion. This makes the weight of first body and the second is different in which it is possible to badly damage your band score. You can take a look at IELTS writing band descriptors of task 2 to make sure about this.

There you are, I hope you my contribution id helpful. Good luck for the next practice :)


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: THE SHOWING OF VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION HAS BAD INFLUENCE ON CHILDREN