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IELTS Writing Task 2 Both sides opinion : Should elderly people be forced to retired or not?


Snoopy Jr 1 / 2 1  
Aug 2, 2019   #1

retirement decision



Topic:
"Some people think that elderly people should be forced to retire at a certain age, such as 65. Others say that people should be allowed to work for as long as they are able and want to. Discuss both sides of this argument and then give your own opinion."

Nowadays, as the population grows time after time, some people believe that elderly people should be forced to retire at the age around 65. Others have a different point of view; they think it is up to the people to decide how long do they want to work. The following essay is going to discuss both sides of the argument and then give a conclusion at the end.

Since medical technology gets better through generations, the population of the elderly increase. Some people think in order to allow young labor force to add in the industry, the old labor force has to move out to clear out space for young adults. Others think that when the human body gets to a certain age, it is impossible for people to have the strength to face the problems at work. To eliminate the issue, it is best to avoid elders to work after a certain age.

As technology improves, people could live longer which means that after people get old, there is still a long while before their life ended. In that case, some elder think that they won't have other interest that is as important as their work. Others think it is one people's free will to choose if they want to keep working when they grow old or not.

In conclusion, both opinions have their pros and cons it is the perspective that matters. However, I support that people should have the free will to decide when do they retire. It is people's right to make the decision that affects their life.

Feel free to give me any advice. I will be grateful for your help.

Maria [Contributor] - / 613 244  
Aug 2, 2019   #2
@Snoopy Jr
Hello. I'll try my best to give you critical feedback for your essay.

Firstly, I suggest revising the structure of your first paragraph. The flow is quite messy because of the lack of transition words and phrases in between heavy thesis-like lines. If you can be more specific, it would be better for your writing endeavors because it'll permit you to be more focused on substantive information. You can, for instance, omit the last line here because it's quite unnecessary.

As for the body paragraphs, try focus on simplifying your lines a lot more. It appears to heavy on the eyes of readers when you simply focus too much on hefty details throughout.

Try to also add more examples throughout your writing.

Best of luck!
Maskeb 1 / 2  
Aug 3, 2019   #3
The phrases pros and cons are informal and best avoided in written work.
shan2 2 / 5 1  
Aug 4, 2019   #4
@Snoopy Jr
Hi, i try to correct some phrases, i hope it will be helpful to you. :)

1.as the population grows time after time,again and again?
2.some people believe that .....while others ...
3.Since medical technology gets ...
As medical advances and technological developments have helped people to live longer...
4.As technology improves
With the advance of technology
Toan dep trai 1 / 7  
Aug 6, 2019   #5
There are lines that are unnecessary and should be removed or replaced. Like this one "Nowadays, as the population grows time after time", you should focus more on the content rather than these lengthy lines. The more straight the better! " both sides of the argument " should turn to " both perspectives " because it is more straight . forward and short! And just like Maria said, it lack of linking words, so it is quite messy! Hope you will do better in future :)


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