Why do we need music and which?
Question - ''There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?''
Nowadays, music has become more important as a part of most people's life. Most people can relax, strengthen their concentration and gain motivation to do sport through listen music. That's the significant of music.
To commence with, the traditional music and the International music have a bit controversial about which one is more important. Recently, the traditional music often use it to represent a country or some ceremony. For instance, the national anthem of China, the every signal lyrics contain the attitude of Chinese when they were facing the huge the problem and encouraging Chinese keep forward. Moreover, the flat ceremony is conducting, whilst the organiser is playing the national anthem. Indeed, we know the importance of the traditional music, but a lot of people still lose sight of the significant of the traditional music.
On the other hand, most people prefer the International music is quite more important than the traditional music in terms of the amount of people listen that and it's function. First of all, listen these music can relax people's mood from depression. According to some psychologists's experiment, prove that some international popular music can be a source of pleasure and contentment. Moreover, the number of people listen the international music must be more than the traditional music. It is because a lot of mobile apps are designed for people listen any international music. It raises the amount of people to listen these music. That's why the international is more significant than traditional music.
In conclusion, I once again reaffirm my view that the international music is more important. Not only do the traditional one can represent a country, but the international one also are more functional.Firstly, I have noticed that you were quite confusing when it comes to verb-noun usage. There were instances wherein you had used the wrong form in your sentence, affecting the overall writing construction of your essay. I would suggest that you try to revisit the fundamentals in order to evade this problem as there is no other way than doing that.
Let's take a look at your first paragraph. I would revise this as:
Music has nowadays become an integral part of people's lives. People can relax, improve their concentration, and become motivated to be active through listening to music; this is the significance of music.
Notice how instead of mentioning that it is more important, I tried to replace it with a word that is similar in expression but is more direct with its impact: integral. I had also shifted around the wordings of the second sentence to have more appropriate tone. Lastly, I had also integrated the usage of a semi-colon to create a smoother transition between sentences that are strongly correlated. Doing small steps such as this can help improve your essay; apply this all throughout.
There is no need for you to use an article, the, before traditional and international music because they are neither formal words nor pronouns. It is more appropriate to leave it as is and to integrate the words together (ie. [...] traditional and international music have become controversial [...]).
You should try to be clearer with what you are trying to convey. What do you mean by the third sentence of your second paragraph? How does the overlap of the ceremony and the national anthem mean that people have lost sight of how significant traditional music is? Try to reconstruct this sentence to make it articular. A good way to do this is to create simpler sentences that are both descriptive and direct to the point to not confuse the readers.
Watch out for the forms of your word. For instance, in your third paragraph's first sentence, it should be written as amount of people that listen to it and its function rather than what is written right now. It should be listening to music (on the succeeding sentence) rather than listen these music. Having better hold of the forms can help your essay's structure become more academically proficient.
Implement these comments all throughout your essay. Best of luck.
I think you should change other ways to express the sentence That's the significant of music. . It's somehow informal and the sentence is too short. I suggest you should use relative clause.
Also, you ought to be aware of some grammar mistakes
For example, the traditional music often uses it to represent a country
or
Every signal lyrics contains the attitude of Chinese
lose sight of the significance of the traditional music
and so on.
