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'simple touch of fingers' - People's daily activities have been simplified by connecting online


azmi23 17 / 28 3  
Aug 31, 2016   #1
this is my third practice in IELTS writing task 2. please give me some feedback to make these paragraphs more powerful and coherence. thanks!

Q: The internet has made human lives more convenient. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
People's daily activities have been simplified by connecting online. While all kind of business can be done by a simple touch of fingers on mobile device, I would tend to claim such overusing the internet can change our basic way of life, a real communication.

There is no doubt that emergence of state-of-the-art gadgets lead individuals to have an easier access to go online. The internet which is connected through smartphone can complete most of human's necessities. For instance, buying goods like outfits are more flexible by surfing online stores. Moreover, there are variety mobile application that provide transportation services. As a result, people who in a hurry do not have to queue any longer to be on time in a sudden meeting or an emergency occasion. Therefore, inhabitants rely on the internet connection to fulfill their daily needs.

On the other hand, this habit often causes online addiction, which changing in human's interaction might be an after effect. Because of interactive feature on application, they prefer to get busy with gadgets, rather than meeting face-to-face to gain more quality time. Taking teenagers as an example, they gain social needs by chatting online or browsing social media, such as Whatsapp or Line. This affects on behavior which the youngster find it way more attractive to talk on online group using emoticons than giving real expression in a family dinner conversation.

All in all, although the internet has gone beyond expectation in our daily life, there is a dire effect in social life. For this reason, I strongly recommend that users have to use the internet more properly. Development in technology must go on the right track and so do real interaction in person to person.

Beauty17 56 / 88 5  
Aug 31, 2016   #2
Hallo azmi.. i love with your idea in this essay.. absolutely i also feel the same thing with you about gadget.. you write this obiviously.. it makes me can got the flow of your mindset bout this case.. but i want to give you suggestion to make your essay stronger..

I think i did not find a concession in your essay. You can give a concession in the last paragraph of each body paragraph. Concession almost same like conclusion but it's different. I can say it likes comparison between your agreement notion and your disagreement even it in balances essay. I hope i could explain it clearly if face to face with you

Keep practice and break a leg more!
Thank you
Fadhilahumar91 61 / 73 6  
Sep 1, 2016   #3
hi...

... I would tend to claim suchthat overusing the internet can change

There is no doubt that emergence of state-of-the-art gadgets lead individuals to have ...

The internet which is connected through smartphone which can completing most of human's necessities.

As a result, people who in a hurry which do not have to queue a long time when they must suddenly meeting or an emergency accident .

All in all, although the internet has gone beyond expectation in our daily life, there is ...

conclusion is paraphrasing from introduction. So, don't add new idea in your conclusion.


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