I've written an essay and amended once, but it still read not smoothly. Is it because I used too many 'increase' and 'become'? What's the alternative words? Or because my structure is not logical enough? Thanks for any review.
Q: Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. To what extent do you agree and disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?
Essay:
There have been increasing concerns about the traffic jams and pollution accompany with the growth of cities all around the world. Increasing petrol price becomes one of the solution that can solve these problems but not sustainable and efficient enough.
Undoubtedly, more and more people purchasing private vehicles as well as growing amount of public transport are main factors of traffic and pollution problems. Associating with the spread of urban areas and some other features such as personal desire, it is essential to find the most efficient way to travel around the cities quickly and conveniently. However, it seems like a dilemma that this goal can never be achieved by too many people having the same goal.
One controversial opinion is increasing the petrol price to prevent people from both buying and their cars. Supporters argue that people will be more willing to use public transport or share cars. Nevertheless, the ideal assumption might not be realised because petrol price relates to almost every aspect of human beings' lives. All the resources, food and necessities become costly. It means all people are affected because all merchandises will be more expensive. Therefore, the solution is not sustainable and might even damage the economy.
On the contrary, some moderate methods might be more applicable and helpful. Firstly, institutions should regulate the possession of driving license. Either intentional or reckless violations will cause traffic jam. Secondly, toll can be set higher after vehicles passing through the high ways. Last but not least, promotion of vehicles using clean power, such as electric cars, is vital. They can not only reduce pollution but also save raw materials.
In conclusion, simply raise the price of petrol can not fulfil the long-term goal. Traffic and pollution problems need help from various aspects.
Hi Chelsea, indeed when something is not smooth in your essay, you don't feel at ease and definitely you want to hear what other people has to say about it. However, I admire the fact that you know exactly what is wrong and you are open to criticisms, believe me, most people don't.
Now, you made a point in your essay, it is argumentative enough that your reader will be able to think of other solutions to the issue at hand. You have also used simple words to elaborate your idea and this is a very good, keeping your essay in a simple, readable and short but concise essay is very effective way in writing an essay that is focused to address a certain problem.
For future reference though, make sure that the essay is written in a sequence that creates a good flow, smooth one as you said, in doing this you have to make sure that you follow the following;
- introduction
- body
- conclusion
As you can see, this is simple to follow, however, as simple as it may seem, most writes, even myself sometimes, gets lost in the pattern and see myself writing too much or too less that I can't figure out how to continue with it, I suggest you revise the essay following the suggested pattern.
I hope this helped!
It's really helpful.
I can hardly be satisfied with my writing as a foreign learner. I make every effort to write down what come to my mind at that moment and prevent grammar mistakes, and go back to check the word count again and again. But I still cannot get a higher mark in Ielts exam (neither in the speaking test). It's a sad story.....So I try to figure out what's going wrong and what else I can do.
Your advice gives me a clear picture to improve. Thanks a lot.
HI Chelsea, thank you for appreciating our work here in EF, we definitely feel grateful for students like you and its true, the IELTS is rigorous, painful and will really test your capacity in exercising the English language. However, when you become better at it, IELTS will definitely be a thing in the past.
Moreover, IELTS will show you the right way to practice English, its rules as well as the strategies on how to be a good, if not, the best writer you can be.
One thing that I do, that I think is very effective, is to read aloud, I normally read aloud in my room when I was young, and this helped me in ways I did not imagine. I learned to write, I learned words that I never knew existed and more importantly, I learned how to express myself in a language that is so strange to me. Believe it or not, I use to write 100 word essay for hours, then I said, I'm wasting my precious time, so I practiced, little did I know, I was getting better as days go by. Now, I want to pass this on to everyone.
I hope I can see more of your writing and this suggestions and insights help you be better at this challenge and be able to use the English language to the best it can provide you.
Hello justivy03,
I have been preparing IELTS test for almost two years, but my essay point is always the same as my first attempt. I felt sad, disappointed, and even frustrated after I found that my all earnest endeavors had been proved useless. Thanks a lot for your comments, which not only give the author some useful ides but also provide me with motive power.
Thanks,
Kyrie
hello Chelsea,
I think there are too many introduction sentences in the essay. Both para 1 and para 2 are talking about the background, so I think you may want to make it more concise.
The third paragraph is less cohesive and coherent, for example, "Nevertheless, the ideal assumption might not be realised because petrol price relates to almost every aspect of human beings' lives. All the resources, food and necessities become costly.It means all people are affected because all merchandises will be more expensive. " . You have already stated the reason why Increasing the price of petrol is not the best way, so in the following sentences, you can provide some specific examples to expand the red sentence. The blue sentence doesn't provide too much information, so I think you can remove it from your essay.
Overall, your essay is very good, or better than mine at least. Keep learning and writing! You deserve a better score. :)
Thanks,
bottles
Thanks. Indeed, I should have put an example to replace the blue sentence, or simply delete it. I think the 'guidance' part before your essay is also helpful. I will try to follow the steps when preparing next essay ^.^
By briefly skimming through, the structure of your essay is good anyway~ Be confident and keep going~
Hi Chelsea, first of all, your positive mantra towards the remarks on your essay will get you somewhere someday, not only towards your writing, academics and essays but more importantly, in life, so keep this up.
Now, going back to your dilemma in writing for the IELTS, I must say, one thing that will help is if you embody the rules of the English language, knowing this will help you come up with good articles, something that will make sure you have the right subject - verb agreement, the tenses, the forms of the verbs and more so, the structure of the sentences in the essay.
It will also help if you be yourself and be confident in writing your essay. Believe me, your feelings when you're writing, affects the outcome of your essay. Most of the time, if you're sad, the article will definitely feel the same towards its readers.
In your case, being worried as it is IELTS, this transpires in your essay, this is somehow affecting your essays. So be confident, read your essay out loud and do a little research before writing anything.
I hope you will also try to read other IELTS essays as this will provide you greater guidance in coming up with a better essay.
