This is my first time posting on this forum. Please help me correct this IELTS essay. Thanks a lot:)
Present a written argument or case: The idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashioned one. The new fashion will be to have several careers or ways of earning money and further education will be st that continues throughout life
Most people's aim in their life is to have good career in order to financially support themselves and their families. However, there has been a difference in people's though about choosing career. Some thinks having a single career is out of date and multi careered should be considered. Others hold the opinion of the opposite sides.
To begin with, having one job to do may face up with financial problems. As the living standard keeps rising, people need to have a high salary so that they can make ends meet. Only one job can not certainly helpful in this case. What's next, choosing to have multiple jobs means having much more chances to experience, and thus to discover other abilities. For instance, the one who works well as a teacher cannot know that he can also be a good businessman if he does not have a try in business. Moreover, further education is also well considered in modern life. As the fact that the world is changing every single minute, people tend to obtain higher studying so as to take a closer look into the field they like concern. Therefore, they can understand more deeply and can work more effectively.
On the other hand, having single career is not old- fashioned at all. This not only give people a chance to live passionately with their own career but also, people can lay completely their time and effort on their current jobs without much consideration about other things. A teacher who works as the only job may be more responsible and contented with his job compared to a man who always think of stock market or annual profits in his teaching hours.
Taking everything into account, it is said that career is something that depends on each individuals, Whether people choose one or more jobs to do, it makes no difference. What important is the way they balance themselves between one and other so that they can perform excellently in their own work.
Imagirl
Hi
I think the organization in the essay above is very clear,but it's better for you to develop another example rather than ＂teacher & business man" in your third paragraph, in my opinion.
And maybe you could use more concessions, and avoid to use world like"at all". And change the word "what's next " to " what's more" may be better.
Use more composite sentences and various vocab - less repetition.
Good luck! I' m preparing IELTS test too.
Hi imagirl,
There seems to be a lot of grammatical errors. Here's my correction to the first paragraph. Keep up!
Most people's aim in their life is to have a good career in order to financially support themselves and their families. However, there hashave been a difference in people's thoughthought about choosing a career. Some thinksthink having a single career is out of date and multi careeredbeing multi-careered should be considered. Others hold the opinion of the opposite sides.
