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IELTS WRITING SKILL 1 : Global water use by sector and in 2 different country


neda ziee 1 / 5  
Feb 17, 2014   #1
the graph shows global water use in 3 different sector in 19th century. Moreover, the table is indicating the water consumption in 2 varing countries in 2000.

At the beginning of the century, the amount of water use placed in its lower level during this period. Although, the most amount of water use allocated to agriculture and the rate of industry and domestic use stayed approximately in the same level, this trend had always been additive.so, by the year 2000, the amount of agriculture was over 3000 km ,which is more than sixfold.However, the usage in industry and domestic was still lower than agriculture, they had a gently upward trend.

To compare the water consumption in Brazil and Congo, I must mention that Brazil's population was of course too much more than Congo, in addition of more irrigated land, a striking amount of water consumption - 359 m per person - in 2000, which is grossly higher than Congo's consumption, that was only 8 m per person.

So that , the most amount of water use assigned to agriculture, worldwildly. while, industry and domestic use had never been noticeable. furthermore, the water consumption per person in Brazil stayed in a high level than Congo in 2000 , even, with more population and irrigated land .



AlanWakeMax 1 / 5 1  
Feb 17, 2014   #2
There is no need in comma after Although.

over 3000 square kilometres

which is more than sixfold.

sixfold to what?

HoweverDespite the fact that the usage in industry and at homes was still lower than in agriculture, they had a gently upward trend.

Brazil's population was of course too much moremuch bigger than Congo's

in addition to

stayed at higher level than in Congo

Overall, i think it's a good essay, but you need to be more careful with grammar.
OP neda ziee 1 / 5  
Feb 17, 2014   #3
really thank you for your beneficent comments ...
sandipsinh 37 / 90 3  
Feb 17, 2014   #4
In second paragraph
At the beginning of the century, the amount of water use placed in its lower level during this period. Although, the most amount of water use allocated to agriculture and the rate of industry and domestic stayed approximately in the same level, this trend had always been additive.so, by the year 2000, the amount of agriculture was over 3000 km ,which is more than sixfold.However, the usage in industry and domestic was still lower than agriculture, they had a gently upward trend.

-very confusing - due to uneven use of past and present tense.
-At the beginning of the century, the amount of water used was placed in its lower level.( ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THIS ),
as your sentence has - use - present tense.
-Most water can be replaced with maximum water.
-The maximum amount of water usage was/is allocated to agriculture industry.
- I do not understand your this phrase - agriculture and the rate of industry.
-Improve tenses in your writing.
OP neda ziee 1 / 5  
Feb 17, 2014   #5
ooh ... yes you are right... it can be confusing .. i wanted to use the word "use" as a noun but i think i was not successful .. thanks for your recommendation.
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 17, 2014   #6
hi... Overall I like your report tone in this writing.
I cannot get what you mentioned

which is more than sixfold

did you mean start at 500 and reach a peak in 3000?
OP neda ziee 1 / 5  
Feb 18, 2014   #7
yes .... I wanted to say that ... thank you
OP neda ziee 1 / 5  
Feb 18, 2014   #8
I will try to improve structures in my essays ... thanks for your helpful idea...
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Feb 18, 2014   #9
You need to improve the structure and hope you would follow dumi's suggestion.

the The line graph shows global water use in 3 different sectors in 19th century. Moreover, theThe table is indicatingpresents the details of the water consumption in 2varingcountriesBrazil and Congo in 2000.

Avoid phrases like "moreover" . This is a task that aims at assessing your report writing capabilities. So, adopt a more formal tone in your writing that is more suitable for reporting your observations.
OP neda ziee 1 / 5  
Feb 18, 2014   #10
i will notice about formal and informal phrases more ... thanks for reminding me this fact and for your efficient suggestion...
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Mar 16, 2014   #11
Hey... you have drawn attention to the tense form.

in 2000, which is

For this task, you must use the PAST tense when describing information from the past.


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