IELTS Writing task 2. Less sleep. Why? Effects?

People nowadays sleep less than they used to in the past

What do you think is the reason behind this? And what are the effects of this?

In recent years, people have not got as much sleep as they did before. The main reason for this is a considerable amount of work that workers have and inadequate sleep has a disastrous impact on people's life.

In the face of the economic pressure, people are often snowed under with work, leaving little time for relaxation. Many young people decide to have multiple jobs to increase their incomes, creating more work tasks to complete in addition to their housework, such as childcare or laundry. Being employed in different positions, the reduction of sleep is unavoidable for these employees. Furthermore, the advances in technology enable people to work at the touch of a button. This means that people probably have to perform their jobs even during their bedtime.

Turning to the effects of this unwanted tendency, insufficient sleep can cause myriads issues for people. The first and foremost problem that people face when they do not have enough sleep is health-related issues. It is scientifically proven that sleepless people have a higher blood pressure than their ordinary fellows, as a result, higher chances to experience a heart attack. Secondly, a lack of sleep could detrimentally affect people's everyday activities. For example, students can easily lose concentration on their lessons or might fall asleep during their classtime, causing them to fall behind with their study and perform poorly at school.

In conclusion, sleep is not respected by people as it did before. Unless there is a reduction in the amount of work people get, health problems will occur more frequently and social lives will be negatively affected.

Any comments would be highly appreciated!

Hi, your essay is quite good, but there are still a few things I would suggest to make it perfect!

-You shoudn't directly state the reason in the introduction. Instead, make it a topic sentence for the first paragraph of the body.
-Your second idea of the second paragraph is not clearly developed. You should explain more about working during bedtime, like how specifically they do that, so that it could be more persuasive.

-You sometimes use inappropriate words. For example, in the conclusion, it shouldn't be "respected", i suggest using "taken for granted". Besides, I notice that you use "everday". Actually not many people pay attention to this. Every day is on regular basic, but everyday (no space) means something that usually happens and becomes a norm. So in this case, you should have a space between 2 words.

The prompt response is incomplete. You forgot to include the effects of lack of sleep. That is why your paraphrased presentation is 1 sentence short of the minimum count. When you are asked to respond directly to the questions. Answer in individualized sentences. Present a clear response to each question so that the clarity of your opinion can be judged on the examiner's end. You should not say "and inadequate sleep has disastrous impact..." because that is not a response to the question. Close the sentence at "amount of work that workers have." Then, present the direct effect in the last sentence ( This results in higher blood pressure...). That way the paragraph is properly formatted for the benefit of the examiner.

In the first reasoning paragraph, you should not have a reason presented towards the end of the paragraph. It is under developed and did not help your previous information set up. Instead, it brought down the quality and clarity of the discussion you presented.

Do not use English phrases incorrectly. People are not "snowed under", they are "snowed in". You should have instead referred to "people are buried under an avalanche of work", which would have been a more appropriate description of the situation. The conclusion needs to be improved. You need to properly restate the topic, the discussion reasons, and your concluding sentence within 3-5 sentences. Otherwise, the essay isn't properly wrapped up for the examiner to score.