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IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations


eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 1, 2014   #1
The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study.

Answer:

A study conducted by a Canadian presented in the chart above provides the information about the sleep patterns of people in five different jobs.

Overall, both students and business executives sleep in consecutive hours, while truck drivers, full-time mothers and doctors have broken sleep schedules.

According to the data, truck drivers tend to spend 6-hour sleep, but they have non-consecutive sleep schedules, between 7 and 10 a.m. and another from 4 to 7 p.m. However, if compared with doctors who have sleep deprivation, the non-consecutive pattern of sleep for full-time mothers with sleeping total of around 8 hours gives them two hours for nap in the afternoon.

It can be seen from the data doctors having the emergency calls from the patients in the middle of night and full-time mothers who have babies causing the disturbance to them are highly likely to lay awake half the night. However, the data, again, show sleeping like a log happens to students and business executives. Retiring to bed at 11-12 p.m. and getting up two hours earlier than students who typically sleep for a consecutive 8-hour period each night, from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. make the business executive spend only 6 hours at bed, perhaps the schedule for work needing them to wake up around 5-6 a.m.




Dish1 1 / 5  
Feb 2, 2014   #2
Good work but few mistakes are there ...
dumi 1 / 6,930 1592  
Feb 2, 2014   #3
It's nicer if you mentioned those few mistakes and helped eddies to correct them :)

A study conducted by a Canadian presented in the chart above provides the information about the sleep patterns of people in five different jobs.

....Give more emphasis to the chart;
The chart presents the findings of a Canadian study about sleep patterns of people in five different jobs.

Overall, both students and business executives sleep in consecutive hours, while truck drivers, full-time mothers and doctors have broken sleep schedules.

Excellent overview :)
You follow a very good approach for this task. Overall this is a very good attempt. Wish you good luck with IELTS :)
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 2, 2014   #4
Hello...

Good work but few mistakes are there ...

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it.
I will learn more as to fix the mistakes, but please kindly show me which part of this visual writing that should have evaluated.

Thanks.
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 2, 2014   #5
Hi Dumi...

First of all, I'd like to say thank you for some meaningful feedback.

For this

Give more emphasis to the chart;

the reason I did not place emphasis on the chart is the word of

a Canadian study.

coming as a new phrase for me since I have worked with sample visual writings. I mean this phrase seems a little peculiar if compared to the common topic ever seen. So, I think the question maker tries to switch the focus away from the chart/graph/table to this phrase, and here is the result. But, you have changed my mind to tightly hold the chart

Last but not least, what I see from all commentaries you have given me is to mostly focus on an introduction and/or an overview. So, from this, can I conclude that the bodies of the paragraph and grammatical mechanics are getting better/ OK ?

For all above, thanks again :)
dumi 1 / 6,930 1592  
Feb 2, 2014   #6
Last but not least, what I see from all commentaries you have given me is to mostly focus on an introduction and/or an overview. So, from this, can I conclude that the bodies of the paragraph and grammatical mechanics are getting better/ OK ?

Ok, let me take some serious look at your body paras. (You are correct, I generally stop with intro and overview because I am supposed to attend lots of threads and struggle with time for that :D )

However, if compared with doctors who have sleep deprivation, the non-consecutive pattern of sleep for full-time mothers with sleeping total of around 8 hours gives them two hours for nap in the afternoon.

You say the doctors were deprived of sleep. I wish you didn't use the word "deprive" because it sounds like your own conclusion. The graph doesn't exactly say whether they were deprived of sleep or they didn't sleep by their own choice. Also, you need to enhance clarity of the above line. It gets the reader to keep memorizing so much details. Shorten your sentences to enhance their effects.

These comments are aimed at providing you some insights for further improvement. You write very well already :)
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 2, 2014   #7
Hi Dumi...,

Very much Thank you, Dumi. I will take as the consideration

I am supposed to attend lots of threads and struggle with time for that :D )

I fully appreciate your work for helping others. Next time, I hope I can do what you do now :D

These comments are aimed at providing you some insights for further improvement.

... I am glad to hear this sentence from you, directly. I accept this to empower my better improvement.

and this

You write very well already :)

thank you for the compliment :)
dumi 1 / 6,930 1592  
Feb 2, 2014   #8
I fully appreciate your work for helping others. Next time, I hope I can do what you do now :D

Yes, this is a good response. You can become a contributor once you finish your exam. Write to us if you are interested. You can do this in the EF Contributors page (@ the bottom)

link - essayforum.com/contributors/
To write to us: essayforum.com/contact/
You can help many others with your experience and knowledge :)
Pahan 1 / 1,908 553  
Feb 2, 2014   #9
. However, the data, again, showsleeping like a log happens to students and business executives.

This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. So you need to stick to the observations only. It is not prudent to include your conclusions or interpretations while presenting trends. This is what dumi also had mentioned in her earlier comments. Avoid phrases like the above. As dumi mentions you follow a perfect structure and quite ready to take up the task. :)

Good luck!
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 2, 2014   #10
Hi Pahan,

This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. So you need to stick to the observations only. It is not prudent to include your conclusions or interpretations while presenting trends.

Yes, I have learnt more now from both You and Dumi's suggestion.

I did write for the conclusions or interpretations-like, because I got a word constraint on the table above which seems rather odd compared with common tables/graphs, but now I prefer not to do anymore.

Well, I say thank you. Good Insights :)
Alison 5 / 13  
Feb 3, 2014   #11
I like the way you balanced between general statements (overview) and specific statements (numbers, details). Sufficient amount of comparisons are made.
I feel that it'd be better if there's a proper conclusion. Keep up the good work!
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Feb 5, 2014   #12
So, I think the question maker tries to switch the focus away from the chart/graph/table to this phrase, and here is the result.

You had better keep focusing on the given chart/graph as it reflects the result of the study. Also, if you have already given an overview in your essay, the conclusion is not necessary.
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 6, 2014   #13
Very much thank you, MisterWandering. I really appreciate your thoughtful feedback

You had better keep focusing on the given chart/graph as it reflects the result of the study. Also, if you have already given an overview in your essay, the conclusion is not necessary.

I read all your writings posted here. GREAT writings for IELTS :)


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