Unanswered [9] / Urgent [2] / SERVICES
  

Writing Feedback   Posts: 3

Smacking children is the best form of discipline. - IELTs writing task 2.


rotlata01 1 / -  
May 7, 2018   #1
Hi, I am new here, I am repairing for my IELTS examination, I found it hard to practice writing skill without any feedbacks.
I really appreciate your support!

Smacking children is the best form of discipline.


To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Educational approaches are invariably a controversial topic. Some people are of the opinion that violent treatment is the best one to educate children. This essay will argue why using power over children is completely unnecessary.

Some parents claim that it is justifiable to use power over their offsprings. It is obvious that children's behaviors would enhance immediately as a result of fear. Parents would gain the educational goals without much patient. In fact, this kind of approach is still common, especially in Asia. Contrary to the popular belief, it is a fact that violent punishment is an absolutely appropriate .

People often claim that they possess the right to select their educational methods, however, the idea of using violent treatment as the main method is entirely preposterous. Children tend to be frightened by their parents, not to respect them. Additionally, there is scientific evidence that violence could potentially cause mental disorder. Indeed, individuals treated violently at their childhood period would tend to be more brutal than normal persons. People think that violent punishment is an effective way to reinforce children, but they could not be further from the truth.

In conclusion, this essay argued why using power over children cannot be a major approach in order to reinforce the learning process of them. I firmly believe that there are a variety of better methods.

ravatrav 2 / 3 2  
May 8, 2018   #2
dear @rotlata01,
try to vary your sentence structures more. you used the same pattern all over your writing so in my opinion, as a reader, I find it quite monotonous. Regarding the idea of your essay, it seems to be clashing. You should have a stronger argument in the second paragraph since you disagreed with the motion. However, the 'obvious' and 'absolutely' (oh and I think you need an article before this word or a noun after the word 'appropriate') words in your writing made your first paragraph sounded too sure that it beat your main view. It is good that you write the argument for both positions but still, one should dominate the other I suppose. Expand your idea, so that your writing can exceed the minimum word requirement and make your essay more alive. Your writing is good already, but a little adjustment here and there will make it better :)

best regard.
Holt [Contributor] - / 6,843 1708  
May 9, 2018   #3
Quang, this essay will receive an immediate failing score based on the prompt deviation that you created. The essay is an extent single opinion essay. It is not a cause and effect essay as you have discussed it discussed in your current writing. Compare the Discussion instruction with your response thesis statement:

Discussion question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response Discussion: This essay will argue why using power over children is completely unnecessary.

In addition to this mistake, you also indicate "power" rather than "spanking" in describing the topic of the essay. "Power" is different from "spanking". Power means"ability to act or produce an effect". While spanking in this instance means "to hit with force to cause pain or injury". Do you see how you will immediately get a failing score in the TA and LR section for this essay? You need to familiarize yourself with more English words and its meaning, along with variations of word usage in terms of words that are spelled differently but have the same meaning. These are called synonyms. You need to improve in these 2 aspects before you can even begin to try and write the practice essays. As of now, this essay is not capable of garnering an even close to passing score because of the problems I mentioned.


Home / Writing Feedback / Smacking children is the best form of discipline. - IELTs writing task 2.