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The smoking ban policy would prevent people from suffering diseases and create a clean environment

fadhilmd25 41 / 75 11  
Oct 27, 2016   #1
In some countries, it is now illegal to smoke in public places. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?

In several countries, the government bans smokers to smoke in public places. This essay would completely agree with such an idea because this policy would prevent people from suffering serious diseases and create a clean environment.

Prevention to develop severe diseases is by stop smoking as soon as possible. The reason is nicotine of cigar that is known to be main chemical inducer of the progression of acute diseases towards severe condition. Most researchers have conducted evidence based studies that cover the topic of effect of stop the smoking in improving respiratory diseases. The result show that almost 95% of people who suffered acute respiratory diseases improved their health since they stop smoking and 75% of them are rarely had tendency to progress the cancerous development.

Another consideration of why prohibition of smoking in public areas should be supported as providing some healthy surroundings is vital to everyone. This is because by cutting down on smoking habits, the urban environment would be as healthy as mountainous sceneries so that people tend to relax while they stay anywhere around the city. For example, the survey conducted by colleagues to seek the satisfaction of people who wait for public transport found out that almost 70% reasons to hurry up entering the public transport is caused by smoker who burn up its cigarettes at the middle of crowd.

In general, restriction of smoking in public places should be done as the harmful chemicals inside them can be prevented entering to body, while the harmonization of enjoying public areas can be felt by people when those places are smoke-free one. Nevertheless, it is predicted that not only clean environment can be created, but also the prevention of global warming would be reduced as carbon contain substances also decrease.
azada - / 1  
Oct 27, 2016   #2
I think you are preparing for TOEFL exam, if yes then keep in mind that the TOEFL markers are marking you in independent essay on the overall flow of ideas and the basics of essay. The thesis statement was missing here which is a major marks gaining point.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,411 4391  
Oct 27, 2016   #3
Fadhil, in the opening statement, you have to own the essay. Let the reader know that the statement of opinion belongs to you. Say "I agree with the statement because..." and not "This essay will..." Your opinion is clearly being required by the essay prompt so you have to make it clear from the very start that this essay will reflect your opinion and no one elses opinion.

The fact that you were able to use current data in defense of your position indicates a high level of interest in the topic on your part. That was a very good touch that will help you score better in an actual test. Remember, your knowledge of pop culture and common knowledge indicates a clear understanding of the prompt requirement. So your essay doesn't have any problem in proving that you can discuss the topic provided with a little difficulty.

Your sentence structures need work as there are still instances of difficult to understand passages. However, the overall paragraph delivers on the need for an opinion because of your clear understanding of the topic. If there is one major flaw of your essay, it is in the conclusion. Try to just wrap up the discussion in this part of the essay. The rules dictate that the last paragraph is saved for the conclusion of the essay. Now, keep in mind that you cannot conclude something if you are presenting new information about the discussion. So in any case, the conclusion should just sum up the discussion facts and nothing more.
inav321 6 / 37  
Oct 27, 2016   #4
severe diseases is byto stop smoking ...
Fadhilahumar91 61 / 73 6  
Oct 27, 2016   #5

This is some suggestions for you, I hope, it is useful to enhance your writing.

This essay would completely agree (i personally agree with) with such an idea(what the specific idea that you agree, because there two statements which are mention in the question) because this policy(what the policy??? please write specific statement to describe your idea in the body 1 and 2) would prevent people ...

Prevention to develop severe diseases Preventing the development of several diseases isareby stopped by smoking as soon as possible.( I don't understand what do you mean with this sentence, it make no sense)

Most researchers have conducted evidence based studies (evidence is a result of studies/research. So, it is not convenient when you say conducted evidence) that cover the topic ...

Thank you....
Keep Writing
ashelarisa48 36 / 52 4  
Oct 27, 2016   #6
Hi Fadhil! let me try to give you some feedback, hope this helps.

In several countries, the government ...
(Your introductory paragraph had covered the situation about smoking is illegal in public places but it did not cover the second statement about smoker should have to leave the building. You need to add more information about it to make your paragraph stronger. Besides that, a good paragraph consists of at least 3 sentences, and i just find 2 sentences in this paragraph)

Prevention to develop severe diseases is by stop ... ---> The smokers need to stop their smoking habit in order to prevent of severe diseases

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