IELTS- Academic essay
There is evidence that inhaling cigarette smoke causes health problems not only for smokers but for non-smokers who inhale other people's smoke.
In view of this, smoking should be banned in all public places, even though this will restrict some people's freedom of action.
What are your views?
Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Smoking is one of the most widespread habit in the world. It is an interesting practice for many smokers and profitable for companies and governments. The question is which is more important the health which damaged ,or money and gladness that gained by smoking?. Which is more crucial freedom of individual or community life? .In my view, health is an essential issue in our life not only for human but for all creatures. So I support the idea of prohibiting the smoking in public places for two reasons: protecting our health and saving money, and this exceeds the importance of freedom of practice.
First, smoking is dangerous for smokers and non- smokers which leads to plague of different diseases. For example, this habit bring about respiratory diseases, teeth and glum diseases, and impotence for men. In addition, the non-smokers such as people in the public places or children who live with smoking parents also will suffer from lung and allergic diseases. For example, my father smoked for more than 20 years, the result is I am experiencing from Asthma all my life. It is better to avert ourselves and our lovers smoking impacts.
Second, it is notable that smoking comprises 50% or more in family expenses in some countries such as Palestine and that is not reasonable for those who plan to have comfortable and prosperous life for their children. It is more feasible to spend this money on investment, health ,education, traveling and reading instead of smoking. Moreover, governments who gain taxes from smoking companies and factories must take into consideration that the increasing in government revenue from smoking means rising in aliment for dealing and treating with diseases and pollution that will plague the country.
In conclusion, in my opinion smoking must be restricted to avoid its deterioration on people and environment ,and that does not violate the freedom of individuals as long as it goes in favor of whole society.
Ok. I'm Irfan Ardian. this is my recommendations on your grammar.
Which is more crucial freedom of individual or community life? .In my view, health is an essential issue in our life not only for human but for all creatures.
From sentences above i suggest you to add article and comma on the red sign to make it clear meaning.So it becomes like this :
Which is more crucial freedom of an individual or community life? .In my view, health is an essential issue in our life, not only for human but for all creatures
For example, this habit bring about respiratory diseases, teeth and glum diseases, and impotence for men
here i found several inappropriate vocabularies
For example, this habit affects respiratory diseases, teeth and gum diseases, and impotence in men
It is more feasible to spend this money on investment, health ,e ducation,traveling and reading instead of smoking.
for writing education, i reckon you to put comma after what you account for and there is wrong on your spelling.