I am going to take IELTS exam on 27/7. I am quite worry about my writing :( My target band is 6.5 or 7 in writing. so can you help me to check and improve my essay by giving academic words replacing informal and low level words? If you can, give me an assessment or band score. Thanks in advance!
As children become adults, their social behaviour changes in some ways.
What are the main differences between young children's social behaviour and that of adults? to what extent are the changes that take place good?
When becoming older, people have trend to change the ways they think and behave. As a result, there are a number of differences in social behaviour between children and adults as well as not all of them are positive.
It have shown that children are more honest than mature people. Firstly, they usually express their real emotions, for example, they will cry when sad and smile when happy. Whereas, older people seem to like to hide their true feelings, therefore, it is difficult to understand what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Moreover, children never tell lies because they are taught that it is an immoral action. However, parents and teachers' manners sometimes contrast with what they have taught their children. Some people are willing to tell a lie with the purpose of achieving benefits for them. It is clear that this alteration brings many disadvantages rather than advantages. Although in some special situations, people should behave cleverly, nobody want to live in a society in which they cannot be truth in others.
Another variance is that youngster are more innocent then old people and it is the reason why they are often deceived easily. Because of the fact that almost all the young people are cared and protected by their parents, studying in a safety environment at schools, they are isolated from social evils and negative problems in society. Therefore, they do not have precautions regularly, which leads to an increase in social tensions relating juveniles. When being mature, people will be smarter and know how to protect themselves, which is a necessary development in their lives.
In conclusion, children's behaviour will vary over periods, however, it is natural and has both benefits and drawbacks.
I am quite worry about my writing
....not to worry... this is a very general phenomenon :D
When becoming older, people have a redundancy to change the ways they
were used to think and behave[/quote]
It havehas shown that children are more honest than matured people.
Well... I think you should limit the number of reasons per para to one. However, always provide one specific examples for each reason.
It haveis shown that children are more honest than mature people.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,, hmmmmmmm very ture...
for example, they will cry when sad and smile when happy.
.... for example, they would cry when they feel sad or they would smile when they are happy.Whereas, older people seem to like to hide their true feelings,
Whereas, older people do not easily let their emotions out and hide their true feelings.youngsters are more innocent thenthan old people
Because of the fact Despite the fact (more academic) that almost
In conclusion, children's behaviour will vary over periods, however, it is natural and has both benefits and drawbacks.
I think the summary need to add more information.
BTW, your idea in essay is pretty good. I like it.
Cheers
When becoming older, people have the trend to changeof changing the ways they think and behave.
...your prompt talks about behavior only. So, keep your writing to cover that only.
It havehad shown that children are more honest than mature people
Whereas, older people seem tolike to hide their true feelings, ??????????? therefore, it is difficult to understand what they (who? young or old?) are thinking and how they are feeling.
.... your first part is incomplete;
Whereas older people seem to hide their feelings, young people let them our freely.Transparency is a good key word for this idea... you can say children are more transparent than adults.
