IELTS 2: social media - advantages and disadvantages
Social media is becoming increasingly populat among all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media does have risk. Do you think the advatantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages ?
There is no doubt about the prevalence of social media among all age ranges. However, the nature of of online platform presents a myriad of potential issues. Both views will be discussed in my essay before drawing my own conclusion.
On the one hand, the most visible merit of social networking sites is that keep in touch with the loved ones. To explicitly explain,through Facebook, Viber,etc,people can easily have a virtual conversational exchange such as video call to interact with intimate friends as well as family members without any cost. Second, using social netwok facilitates communication globally. With lots of forums, groups are avaible on Facebook,Twitter.., consumers simply find mates who have the same hobby or ideals.
On the other hand,the setback of social media is more concerning. Of even major concern of many is data loss. To exemplify, everything, in the contemporary world, is quickly accessible online,hence, consumers are willingly share their personal information in exchange of speedy online services such as paying bills, shopping,etc without a second thought. Despite being ensured about privacy information security,it is still straightforward for hacker to hack user's data which leads to some serious consequences like money loss.
In the nutshell, for the aforementioned reasons, inspite of countless benefits of social networking sites, I am on the view that the drawback of the risk of losing private information is more considerable.
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The essay automatically gets a failing score for providing a response that does not reflect the discussion requirement. Rather than doing an advantage V. disadvantage essay, the exam taker chose to use the comparative opinion plus personal opinion presentation. The discussion presentation has been altered. Though a response was provided, it is not in the correct format.
Question: Do you think the advatantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages ?
Response: Both views will be discussed in my essay before drawing my own conclusion.
No appropriate response was provided for the TA score which requires a question response to be provided. The thisis response was instead placed at the and paragraph, where it cannot be scored as a proper response anymore. This:
I am on the view that the drawback of the risk of losing private information is more considerable.
should have been part of the 1st paragraph where it would have recieved a clarity of opinion score and prevented the prompt alteration which made the essay fail.
When writing an essay, you need to make sure your answer complied with the given question.
Question: Do you think the advantages of ...
Your answer should be: In my opinion/ Personally/ From my point of view, the disadvantages must be more serious and can overshadow its advantages.
"On the one hand..." GRAMMAR
Correction: is to keep in touch with... OR is that people can keep in touch with their loved one.... When use THAT in this case, you must follow it with a clause.
Besides, to start the first body part, you should write a topic sentence before jumping into showing separate ideas.
Correction: On the one hand, people can benefit from social networking sites in some aspects.
After writing this sentence, you can add more information. At first, the most visible merit of social networking sites is to keep in touch with the loved one.
"etc, lots of, a lot of" must not be used in academic writing. Also no "...".
"... hence, consumers are willingly share their personal..." GRAMMAR.
consumers willingly share or consumers are willing to share...
Using TOBE verb (are) with a normal verb (share) instead of with participle (-ing or -ed/V3) is completely incorrect. Make sure to use proper grammar.
There are several plural nouns needed. "the setbacks (obviously more than one setback), hackers (many hackers; you can use a hacker in this position)
Last but not least, IN A NUTSHELL is correct.
I wish my comment would help. Thanks ^^.