the use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction among many people in society
It is argued that the increase of technology, especially social media, is becoming the replacement for directly communication all over the world. This essay will give the reason why the advantages of this outweigh the drawbacks. The essay will demonstrate that the ability to communicate irrespective of geographia boundaries and getting up-to-date information, followed by an analysis of how the prime disadvantage namely losing social skill is not valid.
Social media helps member of public with communication from far distance. In the internationalization world, the number of global citizen who live in a different country is increasing dramatically. Therefore, remaining contact with friends and relatives is becoming a problem, which can be solved by social media. For example, an app like Facebook or Skype definitely do wonders for human life via connecting different parts of the world through the Internet. Furthermore, technology surely come into useful since it can be a means of communication, which provided us with latest information. Thanks to the Internet, we can have an insight about the world as well as the things that happened around us. Take the devastation at Iteawon, Seoul this Halloween as an example, via the support of social media, the victim's family will have a better grasp about the situation and urgently contact with their relatives, who are living in Korean.
In the other hand, those opposed to this reckon that social media is the prime reason for losing social skills as we are not directly interact with people. However, there is actually no evidence to support this view and skills related to social has remained unchanged. Moreover, some can acquiring more skills than ever before. For instance, children attending online lessons instead of going to school can learn about the communication skill through several activities conducted by the teacher as well as team work. Moreover, this increase the likelihood that they will master the Information Technology skill, which has been proven vital for those who live in a develop world.
On balance, the fact that technology brings people the opportunities to stay in touch with others despite the great distance and provides the society with latest news clearly outweigh the argument that this impairs their social skills.
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The writer definitely understood the writing requirements and the point of view to be provided. However, the question is "Do YOU" not "Does the essay". Since the essay is incapable of writing itself and is reliant on the point of view, opinion, and explanation of the writer, he should take his cue as to the pronoun usage and general representation to be used in writing. There is a need to predominantly use the first person pronoun in the explanations. From the writer's opinion to the explanation paragraphs, these should be flooded with "me, myself, and I" references to clearly indicate the writer's opinion as required. Yes, the fact that the writer is being asked "Do you think" means he should show that he clearly supports this opinion presentation since a general point of view is not required. So the writer's restatement was good but it would fail to get a passing score in terms of writer's opinion presentation. it lacked proper sentence referencing and was too wordy to be clear enough in its representation of opinions.
There is no "on the other hand" and "on the balance" discussion for this essay. Mainly because it is requiring a direct supporting response to a single opinion question. Therefore, the lack of clarity on the part of writer and his prompt deviation will result in a failing score. There is a prompt deviation because the original question was:
DO YOU THINK THE ADVANTAGES OUTWEIGH THE DISADVANTAGES?
Therefore, there was no need to explain:
The essay will demonstrate that the ability to communicate ... skill is not valid.
Notice how the question was only an A v. D response but the writer decided to explain how a particular skill reference is not valid? That is the prompt deviation that will result in a failing score because the writer did not answer the question being asked. He did not follow the writing instructions. His ability to understand English instructions are clearly non-existent, resulting in the incorrect response.
These are my comments:
- I reckon the opening should be shorten and more straightforward
- I think it must be "on the other hand"
- In the example of Itaewon, i think you use the wrong tense, it should be past simple tense instead of future tense
- Moreover, some can
acquiring acquire more skills than ever before. (check grammar carefully)
- Moreover, this
increase increases/ will increase the likelihood (...) for those who live in a develop world (you can use "modern world")
The last paragraph could use a bit more of work as it is the last one, it should impact the reader with a strong stand. Also, eliminate the " On balance" of the beginning.