Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

IELTS; Social status of man is influenced by education parenting and environment


shimshel 3 / 5 2  
Jul 28, 2013   #1
Social status of a man is influenced by education, parenting and environment. There is a common dispute on who is responsible for better social adoptation, parents or school. There is no definite answer, however brief analysis wold help to make a decision.

Ever since, person is born he becomes a part of the longest relationship in his life with his parents. And it is obvious that parents influence his development. Person gets understanding of what is right or wrong, good or bad, the truth or a lie. Another words parents download all the basic information. Moreover, parents have the longest access to modify their child's way of thoughts.

But, there are millions of interacting social groups that person will be part of during his life. One of the greatest ones is school. Apart from the fact that school also took one of the longest parts of life, it also took one of the most volnurable periods of life. So that the person is more open for new inflow of information. So that school play one of the greatest roles in forming personality. It sets regulations and rules, schoolchldren suppose to follow, it even could arrange classes on social behaviour. These conditions form a real life trainings on how to behave in society.

Another thing to mention is person's environment, his friends, collegues, peers etc. For instance, life time friends are greatest influencers on personality as well. Being a good friend means high level of social adoptation most of the time.

However, parents choose kindergarden, school and even future occupation person suppose to fit in. And every group of social influencers mentioned above will vary depending on that choice. Based on that, parents are responsible for teaching their child on how to become a good member of society, since they possess the greatest influence.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 28, 2013   #2
Social status of a man is influenced by education, parenting and environment

... This is your hook. So let's make it more meaningful :)
I feel "Social behavior" is a better term to replace "Social status" because your topic deals more with behaviors than status of a person.

There is a common dispute on who is responsible for better social adoptation, parents or school.

... I don't think there is such dispute which means disagreement, but in a more heated manner. You need to be careful when using synonyms because the words with similar meanings may give a total different impression to your sentence.
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Jul 28, 2013   #3
First of all I think your prompt is incomplete, you missed out the word society. Reason being, your introduction
and main ideas are not that strong to convince your reader.

There is a common dispute on who is responsible for better social adoptation, parents or school

In here, your background sentence is more inclined towards sustainability rather than contribution towards the betterment of the society.

hope this helps...
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Jul 28, 2013   #4
Ever since, a person

Persongets understanding of understand what is right or wrong, good or bad, the truth or a lie

Person or Parents?

download all the basic information

instill values/teach fundamental knowledge

But,

-> However

millions of

many

took

You should use present tense instead.

So that

Don't start a sentence with so that. In this case, you could use "Therefore", "As a result" and so on.
OP shimshel 3 / 5 2  
Jul 29, 2013   #5
Thank you for your feedback!!!
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jul 29, 2013   #6
Another words

In other words

Ever since, person is born he becomes a part of the longest relationship in his life with his parents. And it is obvious that parents influence his development. Person gets understanding of what is right or wrong, good or bad, the truth or a lie. Another words parents download all the basic information. Moreover, parents have the longest access to modify their child's way of thoughts.

... where are your examples? Support reasons with specific examples.

One of the greatest ones is school.

School is one of such greatest institutions.

Another thing to mention is person's environment, his friends, collegues, peers etc. For instance, life time friends are greatest influencers on personality as well. Being a good friend means high level of social adoptation most of the time.

... Is this a separate paragraph?
I think you need to pay more attention to your essay structure. It should contain an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. Introduction should introduce the topic and express your opinion. Body para should justify your opinion with evidence from examples.
ldlsky03 8 / 16 2  
Jul 30, 2013   #7
wold

would

volnurable

vulnerable


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS; Social status of man is influenced by education parenting and environment