the aspects of Communication via internet
Topic:Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development?
Today more and more people tend to build their relationship on the Internet replace with in person. In my opinion, I think it will become a positive development in the future. There are several reasons for this situation to explain under the following.
The primary reason is the distance for each other. With our transportation system growth, people can go anywhere easily so we will know different nation people in the world. Most time it is difficult to meet each other face to face because we are far from each other. For example, once a time I traveled to German, I made a new friend, Ann, at that time. She is an English girl. During the travel, we chatted and become a good friend and at the end of the tour, we change our information and keep the friendship until now. Even we're not meet each other but we connect to each other on social media.
Another reason is that some people need to leave their family for work or study, for these people when they miss their family or old friend they only can use the online way to talk and see them. Just like my best friend, Janny, she studied abroad, it is hard to see her in the real so we through skype to video chat. Even she was far from me but we feel close to each other.
In conclusion, although it is still limited by distance, with the Internet we can connect the people we want in everywhere. Therefore, socialise online has became more popular for the whloe world and I think it will be a positive trend.
You did well in your essay, even though there are some gramitical mistakes, such as
1- I traveled to German, and I made a friend.
3- we became not become/ we changed not change/ kept not keep(because you used past tense for previuos verbs).
4- They only can use(it should be they can only use).
5- It is better to write ( they can only talk and see each other online) instead of (they only can use the online way to talk and to see them).
6- Iyou must write (she is studying abroad) instead of (she studied adroad because you used present tense for the rest of the sentence)
There are some spelling mistakes like Germany not German.
I think for this kind of topic, you need to discuss both views, and then you can state whether one view outweighs the other.
Also, I think you should be careful about punctuations, e.g. Today, more and more ... ; Another reason... work or study. For these people, ... -> I would break this sentence into 2 sentences, or you can use conjunctions to connect the idea.
Hope this useful.
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The essay is speaking of social media. Not the internet in general. Therefore your line of reasoning varies within the presentation, causing you to deviate in representation from the original prompt. There will be deductions every time you move away from the original prompt. Additionally, you should never use words of uncertainty in an essay that demands a solid be presented. That is because an uncertain reaction to the prompt means that you are unable to strongly defend your position and beliefs on the matter.
Your second paragraph gives a reason, but there is no topic sentence at the start. You should have started it off with something like; "We live in a constantly connected world. Distance is often the primary reason we tend to lose physical relationships with people we meet. " Or, you should have just started with the second sentence which has a clear topic sentence representation in " Most time it is difficult to meet each other face to face because we are far from each other. " Although imperfect grammar wise, the meaning of the sentence is clear. Remember, topic sentences make it easier for the examiner to understand what the paragraph will be all about.
I can see the effort you made to try and make an impression with your vocabulary. The problem, is that you are not yet at that status where you can try and use advanced English sentences properly. You are only at the simple sentence creation stage. You need to read more English based materials and, using a dictionary, learn the meaning of words so that you can use these properly in the sentences. Most of your points deductions will be in the C&C, LR, and GRA sections. These will be quite heavy deductions because of the degree of mistakes made in the final presentation.
Thank you so much for your advice!