Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Our society has a growing trend of violent media which trigger people to act aggressively


nabila05 8 / 12  
Apr 27, 2016   #1
Violence in the media promote violence in society. To what extent do you agree?

The society in which we are living now has a growing trend of violent media which trigger people especially youth and children to act aggressively. Most of them even bring the hostility scene into real life. I personally believe that violence is increasingly serving as an integral factor of modern media and able to influence people being aggression.

Violence has multiple impacts and eventually lead to violent behavior on human psychology especially youth and children. They often choose to get guns and pistols in the form of toys after watching violence on media screen. Some young boys seek pleasure by copying this sort of crime scene in real life being impressed by heroes. For instance, a professor of Development Psychology at University Vasa Finland named Kaj Bjorkqvist conducted research about the negative impact of watching violent TV series on children. As a result, children who had just watched the violent movie were rated much higher on physical assault and other types of aggression. It can conclude that even watching a single exposure in serial televisions increases aggression in the immediate situation.

Moreover, movies also feature intense violence that really stays with the audience after the final credits rolling. These films use dark intensity, and sometimes the most primitive instincts of human, to grab people's attention and hypnotize them. There is an empirical evidence and academic research conducted by Princeton University which links the connection between film's content and the audiences' behavior. It is usual for action movies to expose many violent elements in their storylines such as bloody fights, explosions or barbaric act to attract more moviegoers. By watching such movie scene, people are influenced that violence, rather than peaceful negotiation, is the key to resolve the problem. In the long term effect, this phenomenon could possibly result in a society forming of aggressive members, which would disrupt any harmonious society.

To sum up, the violence in serial television and movie can impact audiences in a variety of ways. It also possibly leads to aggressive act which can disrupt society.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 27, 2016   #2
Nabila, these are some errors, which I've found in your introduction and first body paragraph, including some feedback and corrections. I hope you can follow through.

- has a growing trend of violent media which trigger people, especially youth and children to act aggressively (comma needed, to avoid ambiguity)
- I personally believe that, violence is increasingly serving as an integral factor of modern media and having the capabilityable to influence people being aggression.to be aggressive.(parallel verb, make sure the tenses are balance)

- Violence has multiple impacts and eventually, which possibly lead to violent.. (eventually is usually used after a long process, not in the beginning of the sentence)

- ...behavior on human psychology, especially youth and children. (comma needed)
- ...watching violence on media screen(choose:on screen / in the media)
- It can beconcludeconcluded that, even watching (it should be in passive voice form, and do not forget to put comma)

As you can see Nabila, my suggestion for you is that, you need to impress the examiner first. How? by making introduction and conclusion paragraph as perfect as possible. In some cases, those parts are the most essential parts which are usually checked by the examiner. So, you need to give your best shot on those parts. However, it doesn't mean that body paragraphs are not important. You also have to deal with that parts carefully, perhaps you can do it as quick as possible, and then you use the last 5 minutes to re-check everything that you have done so far.
OP nabila05 8 / 12  
Apr 27, 2016   #3
Thank you for all of the corrections and suggestions
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Apr 27, 2016   #4
HI Nabila, I would like to share additional insights on your essay.
I would like to focus on the last two paragraphs of your essay, especially the last paragraph, your conclusion didn't strike as strong as it should be.

- really stays withreally lives in
- the audience memory even after the
- final credits rolling .
- which links the connection between ( link - synonym to connection, so this will be redundant ) film's content
- ByIn watching
- In the long term effectrun ,
- in a society forming ofthe formation of - which wc ould disrupt

- To sum upIn conclusion ,
- movie can impactaffect the audiences
- It alsocould possibly leads to aggressive - act which can disruptcomplicate the society.

There you have it Nabila, I hope you are able to get a few useful modifications in the above remarks.


Home / Writing Feedback / Our society has a growing trend of violent media which trigger people to act aggressively