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Society needs to create opportunities for everyone, thus gender equality should be encouraged.

Maithanhhang 3 / 6  
Jul 7, 2018   #1
Topic: Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Equality at work a workplace

Actually, there are some jobs that the cardinal workforce is male such as police, director In contrast, the rate of female in profession is higher than that one for example : beautician. However, it doesn't mean all. The world still has police who are the girls, beauticians who are the boys. And in this life, we need to support equality. Don't have certain thought like the past that males must do these jobs females must do those job.

Firstly, it is not unfair. In equality society, humans have free rights. They can choose jobs which they want. In contrast, if it is right to exclude makes or females from certain professing because of their gender. It means that the freedom of humans is lost. For me,

Who are you, you have your privated passion, you will succeed if you try. Government and society said that they would create all chances for citizens to pursue their dream. In this case, this sentence will not be accepted. Because it prevents somepeople from their dream.For example, if i want to be a carpenter, it will not be true as it is the job for male but i am a girl.

Secondly, if we still do it, gerder inequality will continue increasingly. While the father is a director, the mother is a housewife. While the father goes out everyday that he can enjoy the life, the mother is only at home and around the kitchen. Therefore, we can see the distinguish obviously. We do not eliminate this problem,but also we are making it better. Why must we think so? Why don't we give to woman a chance that she can present herself. I sure that she can do anything that we can not imagine.

In conclusion, gender equality should be encouraged. Society needs to create opportunities for everyone. As a result, humans can have experiences in many fields, the life will become equality and happy.

Jul 7, 2018   #2
i think u should not start ur writing with "Actually", u can use "In society" instead.
Your first part really make me confused."there are some jobs that the cardinal workforce is male such as police, directorIn contrast, the rate of female in profession is higher than that one for example : beautician."

wih Beautician,u should make a dependent sentence.

The structure is quite good.u divide in to paragraph with Firsty,secondly.
But i feel that u still translate from Vietnmaese to English.
hyperephania 9 / 20 2  
Jul 7, 2018   #3
It really confuses to read your essay. Firstly, it is full of punctuation mistakes. Secondly, it is full of single simple sentences. You should write more complex sentences to get a higher score in LR. Thirdly, once you write Firstly in the first sentence of a paragraph, Secondly should be written in the next sentence or the next paragraph. Lastly, you should not raise question in your essay without giving an answer.
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Jul 8, 2018   #4
Hang, you need to work on how you respond to the direct question essay questions. Your response is not very effective because your opening paragraph doesn't follow the require paraphrasing and discussion instruction representation which would have better kicked off your reasoning discussions in the succeeding paragraphs. Since this is your first essay here, let me show you a better method of presenting this restated paragraph:

Males and females have been know to have highly different strong and weak points. That is why there has been some discussion as to whether certain people should be prevented from performing certain professions or tasks due to the publicly perceived gender limitations. In my opinion, I believe that gender should not be considered when assigning a job to a person. Rather skills and ability should be the center of the qualifying reason for assigning a task to a person.

You should continue your reasoning discussion from there. While your GRA and LR weaknesses truly prove to be a problem for you in this essay, you somehow managed to get your point across in a manner that the reader can easily understand. That is a good thing for your scoring consideration in those aspects. However, you should avoid using connecting words such as "Because" or "And" at the start of sentences because there are no ideas to connect in such a presentation.

Try to better develop your explanations in the essay by offering comparative points in the paragraph. For example, why can a female carpenter also perform in the same manner as a male carpenter? Explain it, give examples to help the reader understand your reasoning in a clearer or better manner.
OP Maithanhhang 3 / 6  
Jul 9, 2018   #5
I really happy when i read your comment. I will try my best to improve my writing skills. Love u <3

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