about land erosion worldwide
This is my ielts writing essay.Can someone help me check it and give me some advices,please?Thank you very much
This is the link of the charts :
scontent.fhph1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/68525170_447674379152557_5758648840026587136_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQlflSzIPs0fspMvoD0DfMoLY9PH3Xa6h68HPWHBfsFOwBk7kOSUX_WuVMojbGW3ozBTlhY0Om33H_yKK_Hn9GYM&_nc_ht=scontent.fhph1-2.fna&oh=07120c27969d0296af737e6d5008a35e&oe=5DC90EFE
And this is my essays:
The pie chart and the table illustrate major reasons triggerring land erosion and their influences on three areas of the world (NA,E,O) in the 1990s.
Overall,it is clear that over-grazing is the principal reason causing soil degradation .Also, land in Oceania took high proportion in over-grazing ,nevertheless, the figure for Europe reached the biggest in total land degraded. Looking at pie chart in more details,we can see that the proportion of over-grazing is the highest in the number of causes,at 35% .In terms of deforestation and over-cultivation ,the number of them is quite similar with 30% and 28%,respectively.There are other factors that have responsible for 7% of land degradation.
Looking more specific in three regions affected ,obviously 0.2% of deforestation impacts on NA was the lowest while 9.8% of this problem belonged to E ,in contrast and there was about 1.7% in the O figure.When it comes to over-cultivation, the figure for NA and E were both higher than acception(3.3% and 7.7% ) while O was not attacked by this factor .However, there was a problem in the percentage of land in O degarded by over-grazing ,which accounted for 11.3%,twice as much as the percentage of E.Finally,the proportion total land degraded by 3 problems were also the highest in E(23%).Hello
Personally speaking, firstly, it's not appropriate to use abbreviations (NA, E, O) in the essay because Ielts writing test is very formal.
Secondly, in the overview, I think using nevertheless is not logical. Since unlike other causes of depleting land, total land degraded are the figures which represent the number of lands destroyed by percentage, they are not in the same category and the figures can't be compared here.
Thirdly, I think make you can make more comparison in the third paragraph. Finally, you should always leave a space after punctuation, such as details,we ... causes,at 35% . should be details, we ... causes, at 35%.
Hope my suggestions are helpful for you.
