IELTS: solution for arresting traffic & pollution?; 'proper mass transportation'

Dear all, please comment my writing, because i will take IELTS in this month so, I need your suggestion to repair my bad writing. Thanks

best regards,
aji

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
what other measures do you think might be effective

Petrol is the main component in running vehicle. Therefore, many people think that if the price of petrol rises, inhabitant will think twice to use their vehicle or stop to buy it. So, the pollution will be reduced.

Moreover, if the petrol is getting more expensive, people will try to looking for another alternative transportation that is cheaper-public transportation. Public transportation helps city to reduce the number of cars and motorcycles. This causes reducing of transportation volume, then this reduces traffic jam.

However, This does not proved in many developing countries, for example Indonesia. In the last ten years of Yudhoyono's era, the price of petrol has increased three times. The increasing of price is up to 50%. But this does not give big influence of selling petrol. Furthermore, the number of vehicles is rising. This causes of many reasons such as the price of cars and motorcycles that is cheaper, the ease in credit of cars and motorcycles and the last factor is the bad facilities in public transportation. Moreover, if the petrol's price solution is only works poor people not the rich people.

So, based on reasons above, there are many other factors that have to be considered beside the petrol's price. According to Transportation Department's research, the best solution to overcome traffic jam is providing good public transportation. The research's result said that people choose their own car, because they are not satisfied with facilities in public transportation-safety, comfort, speed. if three main factors in public transportation is fixed, people are more attracted to leave their own vehicle that is often trapped by traffic jam, and choose public transportation.

Hence, I do not agree if the high price for petrol is the best solution. The most effective solution for transportation problem is proper mass transportation for all people, that is proved success in many countries-Malaysia, Australia, etc.

thank you very much for your comment. Can you give me an example about the hook, for my intro, because i have tried to write an interesting intro, but still do not success.

Overall, mechanics are good. However, your writing is not cohesive. The ideas are unfocused, and sentences do not connect well.





I am afraid that you are overusing the linking devices. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.


You don't need to use lazy language expressions (eg 'etc', or and so forth') They are are used more in spoken language. Also, this indicates you don't care enough to finish a sentence properly.

Have look at the prompt:


To answer the prompt effectively, start analyzing it like this:
Topic: Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems
Task 1: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Task 2: what other measures do you think might be effective
Make sure you answer the tasks

If you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

thank you so much...i think i have to try to write like yours-involving emotion in writing. I hope this is not the last of your advice for me

Not at all :D
Keep posting your essays to this forum and I will try my best to provide you with my feedbacks for all of them. Even if I don't by any chance, the other contributors like eddies, Pahan, Arun, tiaDs would help you with very valuable feedbacks.