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IELTS Writing task 2 - Solutions to low birth rate in developed countries

Titus14 5 / 11 1  
Jun 26, 2016   #1
The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over.

What effects will these predictions have on developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation?

It is predicted that the demography structure, which is caused by low birth rate, will gradually change in the following five decades due to the high aged population in the majority of developed countries. In my opinion, the over-aged society would cause great effects to human civilisation, however, there are still some ways to avoid it.

The rise in people aging 65 and over in the entire society would bring more demands in health care services. For example, the government which may lead to adding more taxes on younger generations. From an economic perspective, jobs such as engineers or other Internet-related works are often not suitable for aging people as these usually contain technique skills that weren't taught in school in the old days. Senior labours have a higher chance to be dismissed in factories as a result of they are not able to produce as much as younger workers. Once the olds lose their jobs and do not have the ability to get a new one, they might not be able to feed themselves, which could become a burden of our society. If we do not fix these problems, it is possible that the rate of homeless people might as well increase in the next few decades.

To deal with the problems caused by over aging population, I came up with several solutions. Firstly, governments should encourage people having babies. For instance, reduce the tax for families that have children. The outlay of raising a child is already very high, parents deserve to pay a lower tax. Secondly, set up a specific tax for those who remains no children. By doing this could also help orphans get a home. And last but not least, legislate laws for surrogate mothers, instead of banning them, Surrogate mothers are the only way for male homosexual couples to have their own children. If such jobs were available in every developed country, I believe the number of high aged population will go down.

Predictors have pointed out if we weren't taking our demography seriously, our society will lose balance. Nevertheless, by carrying out the methods I've mentioned above, the situation shall become better.

I'm taking IELTS exam next month.
It'd be very kind of you if you can give me some feedback.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 26, 2016   #2
Hi Naomi, welcome to the team :) With regards to your essay, I think that you've done pretty well in answering the prompt given. Your flow of ideas is well-written. I love to see the coherence to your essay. It is remarkable indeed. However, there is no perfect essay after all. I still can see some rooms for improvements. Therefore, in the detailed descriptions below, I would like to point out some of them. I hope you can consider it as a helpful feedback.

- First thing first, I've noticed that you've used some 'contractions' in your essay. In academic essay, it should be avoided. Those contractions make the essay looks less formal.

- Second, I think that in academic essay format, you are suggested to also avoid using FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) in the beginning of the sentence. Perhaps in your essay, you can change 'and' becomes 'in addition / additionally'.

- Lastly, instead of mentioning 'several', you can just directly mention 'there are two possible solutions'. This will enhance the clarity of your essay. The examiner directly knows that there are two main ideas presented in the paragraph. It is also related to your introduction paragraph. You can make your introduction stronger if you mention the keywords of your ideas in the last sentence of your paragraph. Instead of only saying 'cause great effects', you can mention 'cause great demand in healthcare services' directly. The examiner will not guess anymore what might appear in the body paragraph if you write those keywords.
OP Titus14 5 / 11 1  
Jun 27, 2016   #3
I really appreciate your helpful suggestions!
But I still have two questions.
1.How do I replace FANBOYS? Especially For, But and Yet.
2.Does that mean Either...or... and Neither...nor... are not appropriate in academic writings?
Thank you!

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