This is a vignette I had to write to english class about a story in my life that teaches a lesson. Please provide detailed feedback and I'll do the same for you...
You're Still Lucky...
It was a sunny June afternoon. I was lounging in the grass, soaking up the sun and waiting for the softball team to trickle onto the bus. Beams of warmness kissed my nose and illuminated my smile. As I watched the creamy clouds take shape and dance across the sky, tiny clovers began to tickle my ears. I turned over onto my stomach and let out a childish giggle. With bare feet in the air, my brink pink nails began to search throughout the plush grass for three leaf clovers. I once heard how lucky and rare it was to find one and the summer sun made me curious.
Within seconds my hands picked a clover from the soft earth and I slowly counted the perfect petals. One, two, three! Was it true? Did I actually just find my first three leaf clover? The happiness was overwhelming; I could not believe my luck! Switching my tanned legs to Indian position, I was in full explorer mode and excited to test my new found serendipity. This time I eagerly grabber a full handful of clovers. The first one I picked up had one, two, three petals, and the next one, and the next! I had grabbed an entire handful three leaf clovers. This was far too much too take; it was simply magic.
I threw the fantastic plants in the air and jumped up. I was the luckiest girl in the whole wide world and cartwheels were necessary to celebrate. I took a quick skip for momentum then twirled myself into a whirlwind of flipping. The ground, the sky, the ground, the sky. The world looked loopy upside-down and I flopped down to rest. As my senses came back to me, I had a realization. What is the fun in finding millions of three leaf clovers, if I have no one to share my success with?! With new found jubilance I snatched handfuls of the clovers and ran onto the bus.
"Priscilla! Priscilla," I yelled, "Look at how many three leaf clovers I found." I was met with a perplexed look and slight snickers from my other teammates. No one seemed to be celebrating with me. With kind motherly smile mixed with pity, Priscilla kindly informed me that four leaf clovers were the lucky ones. Three leaf clovers were typical one and anyone could find them.
The bus jerked to a start and my bubbly euphoria was gone. Sinking onto the cracked leather seat, I felt stupid holding the pile of useless plants with petals that had already begun to curl and slowly die. I sat there staring at the imposters and their pathetic three little petals mocked me. Defiant, I clicked open the bus window and it slid down with a bang. "Dumb clovers," I muttered and threw them outside. I slumped back in my musty leather seat and took a nap; my day was ruined. I let a trite cliché drain me of happiness.
My hope is that the tiny clovers danced from my window into the wind and ended up in a field somewhere or someone's lawn. A place where a little girl could run outside, see the clovers and she too could think she was the luckiest girl in the world. And I hope when she ran and told someone that they didn't let her down. I hope they let her keep believing, both in the clover and herself. You make your own luck in life, but if someone is dancing over a clover, don't slow their step.Switching my tanned legs to Indian position, I was in full explorer mode and excited to test my new found serendipity. newfound serendipity
With new found jubilance I snatched handfuls of the clovers and ran onto the bus.
You use newfound in a sentence in the same paragraph. While I don't think it sounds redundant here, perhaps you could use a different word.
With a kind motherly smile mixed with pity, Priscilla kindly informed me that four leaf clovers were the lucky ones. Three leaf clovers were typical ones and anyone could find them.
I sat there staring at the imposters and their pathetic three little petals mocked me. Imposters should be impostors. It's or.
And I hope when she ran and told someone that they didn't let her down. I hope they let her keep believing, both in the clover and herself. 'They' should be he/she. Someone is singular so the pronoun must be singular as well to agree with it.
but if someone is dancing over a clover, don't slow their step. Again, their should be his/her to agree with someone.
