Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 13

Something That Changed Me - Becoming a Bully


ANSH729 1 / 1  
Mar 27, 2009   #1
There r sum events in life which ...

There are some events in life that influences what we become later in life.
I don't remember what those events were that triggered me into becoming a bully. I am a person with of a fairly strong built. It probably started out as a gesture or a class clown persona, but it constantly kept growing. It wasn't long until my conversations ended with me abusing the other person. Gradually this evolved into physical violence. There was a group of students who hated me and spoke against me behind their back, but I used to justify myself that I only bully people who let themselves be bullied. In my mind, they were without self-respect, or I did not respect them for whatever reason. I had a lot of friends too, or I should rather say, followers who backed me up in whatever I did. Gradually, it became a burden with people wanting to throw me from my throne I had to fight when I didn't want to as I had to live up to my reputation. Everyone was rather afraid and hated me.

It happened when we had passed our 10th boards. Our classes had just begun and people were mostly free and had nothing to do. The school which I attended was an esteemed school, and there were a lot of new students. To pass time we the newcomers. This day is one that I will never forget in my life.

We called that guy and abused him, asked him to imitate an animal. When he left us, he was pretty shaken up. I had wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I was in front of my group, my reputation was on the line. He had started crying, and I was feeling sorry for him. The guy went back to the classroom and never came back to the school.

Some said that he changed his courses, some said he had taken admission in a new school. The truth I found out in a different manner. One month after the incident, I was called to the principal's chamber. When I entered, an old man was sitting opposite my principal. I greeted the principal but he did not reply, instead he gave me a cold look. He introduced the man to me as the boy's father. I was scared, I thought that he was angry and was going to scold me. I was also worried that I might be suspended as he would have surely told the principal by now what had happened. But what happened next was quite unexpected. The father pleaded with me to do something about his boy. He had not come out of his room for a whole month. He just sat in his room and cried when forced to go to school. I realized that I had done a terrible mistake.

Though I went to his home to apologize I don't think he ever forgave me because he never returned back to our school. I later learned that he has taken admission at some other place. Even though I was relieved, I learned that we has the right to bully others, to take the joy out of other people's lives, or to harass them I any manner whatsoever. We should focus our strength and determination on the right track, and focus our energy to help us reach our goals.
OP ANSH729 1 / 1  
Mar 27, 2009   #2
hey can pls anyone tell if there are any grammer mistakes...or sumhting that would make the essay more eligible for a scholarship..
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 27, 2009   #3
There r sum events in... don't get in the habit of typing shortened versions of words! It'll frustrate you later! :)

There r sum events in life which influence what we become later in life. I don't remember what were those events of my life that triggered my process of becoming a bully. I am a person with a pretty strong build . It started out what was probably as a gesture, or perhaps in playing the role of "class clown", but it constantly keep growing. It was not far away when long before my conversations ...

Then, it came to be time for us to try to pass our 10th boards; our classes had just begun, we people were literally free at that time.

I realized I had made a terrible mistake.

Wow, what an interesting perspective you have! It is cool that you admit this about your past. This is not a college admissions essay is it? What is this essay for, an English class? I really liked this essay, and it is something that will intrigue most readers.

Check the spelling and punctuation, especially in the bottom half. try using more paragraphs; each paragraph is a thought, an idea. Start a new para for each new idea.
peppersauce 1 / 4  
Apr 3, 2009   #4
How long does this essay have to be?

There are some events in life that influences what we become later in life. <<write something more here.. like maybe examples and stuff. break up the paragraph.>>

I had a lot of friends too, or I should rather say, followers who backed me up in whatever I did. <<do you want to talk about this further? did you not open up to them, or trusted them? Make this paragraph about followers a separate one>>

Gradually, it became a burden with people wanting to throw me from my throne. <<so I'm assuming you had become somewhat of a leader? Maybe write more about maybe your rise to get this throne, etc>>

I had to fight when I didn't want to as I had to live up to my reputation. <<maybe paraphrase into something like 'soon, fighting became a necessity'>>

Everyone was rather afraid and hated me. <<Does this mean everyone was afraid of you but act nice to you while behind your back they hate you? something like everyone was nice only because they were afraid of you, but they secretly hate you? Does this mean no one likes you?>>

It happened when we had <<just?>> passed our 10th boards. <<so boards are grades and forms? Like 10th grade/ fourth form? Sorry this is just an interesting tidbit for me, not a suggestion>>

To pass time we <<maybe something like 'often' instead of 'ended up' and find another word for 'raggin'>> the newcomers. This day is one that I will never forget in my life.

<<describe more than pretty meek. Maybe something like "There was a skinny guy wearing glasses...">>

When he left us, he was pretty <<maybe 'quite' instead? Or 'very'?>> shaken up. I had wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I was in front of my group, my reputation was on the line. <<so maybe say something about your pride here>> He had started crying <<halfway?>> , and I was feeling sorry for him <<maybe don't say 'feel pretty bad'>> .

<<change all these 'sum's into 'some's!!>> Some said that he changed his courses, some said he had taken admission in a new school.

I greeted the principal but he did not reply, instead he gave me a cold look. <<or maybe something like 'he merely gave me..>>

But what happened next was quite unexpected <<you have used quite for a bit, maybe something like I was unprepared for what happened next. This also gives a break between the two 'what happened's>>

I realized that I had done a terrible mistake. <<do you realize how this guy had laid down his pride, begging his son's bully to help him.. maybe write about the values that you probably have learned from this guy..>>

<<you have just used though, maybe 'even though' instead?>> Even though I was relieved, I learned that we <<maybe instead of we use something like 'no one'>> has the right to bully others, to take the joy out of other people's lives, or to harass them I any manner whatsoever. We should focus our strength and determination on the right track, and focus our energy to help us reach our goals.

<<this conclusion is a bit vague.. maybe write something other than 'focus our energy to help us reach our goals' or just delete it, wrapping up the 'strength and determination' stuff instead.>>

Hope that helps!
silverystars 14 / 105  
Apr 3, 2009   #5
It's funny how we write in an informal manner in order to seem "normal," for lack of a better word. When I write letters that are articulate and receive blurted, misspelled replies, I feel like I've just worn a tuxedo at a nude beach.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 3, 2009   #6
Your comments tend to be brief and unhelpful, but I have to give you some credit for this one -- good job.

Anshul, your essay is quite insightful. Once you have taken the advice of the other posters in this thread, post your revised version of the essay here for further feedback.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 5, 2009   #7
I agree, that is a cool insight, Silverystar!
silverystars 14 / 105  
Apr 8, 2009   #8
Your comments tend to be brief and unhelpful, but I have to give you some credit for this one -- good job.

The reason for that is because I needed to post a thread, which required me to arbitrarily reply to six other threads. I'm sure you would be much more consistent than I under that kind of circumstance!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 8, 2009   #9
The point of that requirement is to ensure that everyone is participating and leaving constructive criticism. just before you post a comment to unlock the ability to create a new thread, imagine reading a similar comment posted by someone else about your own work. Then ask yourself if you would find the comment helpful, or if you would disappointed at the sort of feedback you were getting. In other words, post comments to help others as you would have them post comments to help you. A variation of a well known golden rule.
silverystars 14 / 105  
Apr 9, 2009   #10
A variation of a well known golden rule.

I do respect that, and think it is a great thing to have...to a certain degree. In addition to the golden rule, however, I also appreciate a little something called the "honor system," something that is sadly frowned upon by many because it leaves a crack in the door for bad behavior. To that I say this: when one is forced to be helpful to others, it can actually work against what is trying to be promoted. If I knew they were asking because they were forced, as only a way to be able to ask a pressing question, then I wouldn't fault them for that! Perhaps we could lessen the required number of replies from six to something more manageable, like one or two, perhaps? Again, I agree that everyone should participate and help one another as they would want to be helped!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 9, 2009   #11
Is it six? I thought it was only two per thread? If it is six, I concede your point -- a student who needs feedback within a few hours isn't going to take the time to make six thoughtful comments (though it would be nice if he did) before getting his draft available for viewing. Even a student in a rush should be able to manage two relatively constructive posts, though.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 10, 2009   #12
Hey, I have to admit that silverystars makes a good point when she says that there is a downside to forcing people to help each other: who wants help from someone who is being forced to help? That is pretty interesting!

I had not thought of it that way. I was just thinking of it like a necessity that people help, because the help has to come from somewhere! The moderators cannot do all of it.

When I noticed that some people had great difficulty giving peer reviews, it made me think: "Hey, this is another great thing about EssayForum. I forces people to muster up th confidence to express themselves about a piece of writing. It forces members to become literary critics!"

Now that you made me think of the fact that people do not necessarily like to have help that the helper is "forced" to give, it gives me an even deeper understanding.

Nevertheless, members are required to give critiques, and I feel good about that. Thanks for the insight you provided! Hey, I think Sean's original comment was intended as a compliment, albeit a mixed one! Ha ha, hey Sean, did you feel like you were "becoming a bully?" I, too, have been having to play the role of bully as I encourage people to give substantial reviews. Ha ha.
silverystars 14 / 105  
Apr 10, 2009   #13
Is it six? I thought it was only two per thread? If it is six, I concede your point -- a student who needs feedback within a few hours isn't going to take the time to make six thoughtful comments (though it would be nice if he did) before getting his draft available for viewing. Even a student in a rush should be able to manage two relatively constructive posts, though.

Yes, six! (Picture me with an amiable yet incredulous expression.) At least, that was my experience. I'm all for encouraging or even coaxing people out of their shells to help others! But the energy and thought put into one or two responses is much more effective than the same energy and thought spread thin across six.

Now that you made me think of the fact that people do not necessarily like to have help that the helper is "forced" to give, it gives me an even deeper understanding.

How cool. Think about it: it's the golden rule all over again...


Home / Writing Feedback / Something That Changed Me - Becoming a Bully