Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

'Sound of a man and a woman' - Freshman Composition 1 essay


Myles18 1 / -  
Sep 9, 2008   #1
My professor is grading on this criteria: subjective and objective description. Active verbs, vaired sentence beginnings, structures, clear topic senteces, developed thesis, coherent paper, paragraphs with support, orderly and adequite use of transitional devices, and diction. Do you think I have these down pretty well?

It all began with the sound of a man and woman shouting next door. Quickly, I ran to the window to see what the commotion was. Through the window, I saw a man, a woman, and a boy carrying boxes into the vacant house next door. Filled with excitement and wonder, I ran outside to meet my new neighbors and as I reached the driveway I was greeted by the boy. After short introductions, Keith McGrady invited me over for dinner that night: this was the beginning of the most frightening friendship I've ever had.

Several months had passed since I had met my new friend. We were both seven years old and all we did was play outside, roller-skate, and dig for treasure in each other's backyards. It was during these times that I quickly learned that my new friend had immense anger problems. The first incident occurred while Keith and I were digging for treasure in his back yard. Several hours had passed since we began digging, and we had finally found something; a brown rock we believed to be a fossil. Filled with greed, I lunged for the fossil and yelled "It's my fossil" in a whiney voice. Keith did not like this idea so he reciprocated with "no it's my fossil!" and reached for the closest weapon he could find. His weapon of choice; a cinderblock, in a sadistic serial killer-like manner he launched the cinderblock at me. The heavy cinderblock struck me in the leg and knocked me to the ground. I thought my leg was broken. In a hate-filled rage, I grabbed a brick and catapulted it at Keith's head while screaming "I hate you!" The brick barely missed Keith's head as it smashed into a nearby tree. This was only the beginning of the many outbursts of anger from Keith McGrady.

The following week we met at my house to once again hunt for treasure. The year was 1997 and I owned a black German shepherd named "Shep." Keith strongly disliked Shep and would often release his anger by attacking Shep. One day I caught him violently throwing rocks at Shep, followed with cursing and screaming. In addition to attacking my dog, he would often beat his head board with a baseball bat while screaming. This was a technique his mom taught him so he could vent. Her intentions were well placed, however the headboard beating did not help Keith at all. The same week that he assaulted my dog he committed a hate crime that was the ending of our friendship.

In hopes to restore our friendship, I decided I invited Keith to join my father and me on a trip to the theater. Jurassic Park was the movie we saw, and Keith and I were very excited. About half way through the movie, I reached to get my father's attention, and as I did this I accidentally knocked Keith's drink out of his hand. I tried to catch it, but my effort was in vain; the coke spilled all over the ground. Keith reacted violently, and yelled "you idiot," as he punched me in the shoulder, snatched my drink out of my hand, and threw it towards the front of the theater. My father immediately took us both home. At this point I had had enough, and told Keith our friendship was over.

After the incident Keith and I did not talk to each other, and he would occasionally come to my house and ask if I could play, but luckily my parents told him I was busy. In conclusion, I learned that I should choose my friends wisely and avoid those who throw cinderblocks at me.

EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Sep 10, 2008   #2
I think your diction and your use of active verbs is pretty good; you use varied sentence beginnings; your structure needs a little work, as does the organization and punctuation. Is this to be an expository paper?


Home / Writing Feedback / 'Sound of a man and a woman' - Freshman Composition 1 essay