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The only space available for building new homes is generally in the countryside

kardymoon 1 / 1  
Jan 6, 2018   #1
Hi guys! I am preparing my IELTS test and want to improve my writing skills. I wonder if you would like to help me check the following essay. Thanks a lot!

In many places, new homes are needed, but the only space available for building them is in the countryside. Some people believe it is more important to protect the countryside and not build new homes there.

What is your opinion about this?

the rise of urban expansion

As population of cities is growing and the demand of new homes has been increasing, it is inevitable that the cities are expanding outwards. Some people argue that the expansion of cities has caused huge damage to rural places so such expansion should be stopped. In my opinion, the development of rural places can be planned and managed better.

Nowadays, over-centralization has induced lots of problems in big cities, such as traffic jam, high housing price, stressful working life. The use of the vacant space in countryside is able to release the burden of the cities tremendously. As people can build more houses and roads outside the cities, the density will reduce, which improves development of the cities and the living quality of residents. For example, a decentralized city likely has more city gardens and open area for citizens.

Also, because more and more young people are relocating from the countryside to cities where they enjoy the convenience and abundant job opportunities, farms and houses in many rural countries have been abandoned. These areas can be redeveloped and become a part of the cities, such as warehouses, big shopping centers, organic farms, etc.

However, it is undeniable that due to lack of planning, in some countries, the environment has been damaged. For instance, farms which used to provide fresh food to the cities now have been turned into living buildings. Meanwhile, some historical sites are disappearing and ruined by the overwhelming construction, which has been a tragedy which could have been avoided by better planning and protection.

In conclusion, although urban expansion has lots of benefits, it should be well planned before development and under control as it is necessary to protect the countryside at the same time.

Holt [Contributor] - / 6,898 1718  
Jan 7, 2018   #2
Kardy, is this essay meant for a Task 2 essay or a Direct Question essay? My review of your paper will depend upon the type of prompt that you were provided in the original presentation for the discussion. Based on a direct question approach, your opening paragraph is somewhat acceptable. Acceptable because you immediately responded to the prompt at the end of the paragraph, creating a strong thesis statement. Unacceptable because your opening paragraph does not accurately paraphrase the opening statement for the benefit of the reader. You have people arguing in your presentation when no such information can be found in the original prompt.

As a task 2 essay, your opening paragraph is unacceptable because it includes a discussion of information not included in the original prompt (argument) and, it does not accurately sum up the discussion instruction you were given. A more appropriate Task 2 opening paragraph would have been:

There are areas where a need for new residential places cannot be avoided. Sadly, the only available space to build these homes happens to be in the country. This poses a problem because there is a sector of the general public that believes the provincial areas need to be protected rather than developed as a residential community. In this essay, I will be discussing my point of view regarding this topic.

In my opinion, the development of rural places can be planned and managed better...

Note the accuracy by which I represented the elements of the original prompt. That is the whole purpose of the first paragraph of the Task 2 essay. While your body of paragraphs were appropriate, the TA mistake that you created in the first paragraph would have severely limited your score. Additionally, the concluding paragraph has a run-on sentence that violates the C&C ruling that requires a complete paragraph be created for each topic presentation so that an appropriate judgement of your C&C and GRA skills may be made. By using run-on sentences, you will severely lower your scores in these sections as well. Although, your LR score will be pretty decent because you should a grasp of intermediate English vocabulary which should help the reviewer better assess your English abilities in terms of written discussion presentation.
OP kardymoon 1 / 1  
Jan 7, 2018   #3
Hi Holt! Thank you very much for the advice! It's very useful.
This is an IELTS writing task 2 essay. It's true that I am struggling in writing the open paragraph because I always want to have a simple one. Would you like to give me some suggestions about that?

Also, for the conclusion, I am not quite clear about your explanation. Would you like to give me some examples please?
I appreciate your time very much!
Jimmy879873 26 / 63 13  
Jan 7, 2018   #4
Hi Kardy, I would like to offer a closing conclusion for your reference.

To conclude, regional places provide more lands for housing and complex transportation in favor of diminishing the stress in metropolises. Many provincial areas are also undergoing a disruptive change as people started retreating back to the countryside for a better lifestyle. Therefore, effective regulations to preserve the farmlands and ancient monuments are urgently needed.

Hope that helps.

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