Millions of dollars are spent on space research every year.
Some people argue that the money should be spent on improving living standards on Earth. Do you agree or disagree?
Tremendous amount of money is being spent on scientific studies. And the biggest portion of this money is given to space researchers. It is disagreed that the money should be spent on improving the quality of life on Earth, instead of space research. This will be proven by analyzing the importance of discoveries in this area and grading living standards.
The results of recent scientific researches of other planets changed the way humanity thinks of space. For example, NASA's robot found icebergs on poles of Mars, despite the fact that theory of Mars once having atmosphere that could be ideal for living had not been possible to be proven till that moment. If millions of dollars were not spent on space research, none of discoveries like this would be done. Thus it can not be said that amount of money spent on space research should be stripped down.
Quality of life on Earth is increasing every year. This is very apparent when international research centres publish annual reports, according to which the number of people suffering from hunger or poverty is decreasing steadily. After analyzing this, it is clear that living standards on Earth are being improved without additional money.
Following the analysis of results of works done by space researchers and increasing quality of life on Earth, it can be clearly seen that the quantity of money given to each area is fair. Further, it is expected that high living standards will allow government to spent more money on space research in order to discover new aspects of our space and colonize other planets. (265 words)
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You are not being on point or direct in your restatement of the original prompt. Do not insert subjects or topics that do not relate to the original presentation such as "scientific studies". You are altering the discussion focus when you do that. you should simply restate the original topic in the first sentence, just as it was placed in the original. Never start a sentence with a connecting word such as "and". you can only use that word in a sentence as a connector so either after a comma, or to connect two related words in a presentation sentence. You are being asked for your opinion in the presentation but you are giving a general point of view statement instead. The first person pronoun usage is required in such a presentation. So use the word "I" to represent your opinion, since a general opinion is not required.
The essay is missing a concluding paraphrase. You offered 4 paragraphs and over 250 words (see how I used the word "and" there?) but, did not offer a summary of the discussion as a conclusion. Instead, you continued the discussion with little developed presentation in the paragraph, which created an under developed open-ended paragraph. There will be point deductions for the improper closing of this essay as it does not follow the required format for the discussion presentation.