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Spend Money for City's Development - quality and a quantity of public service facilities


mumtazdinar 12 / 15 12  
Feb 9, 2015   #1
Some people think that large, impressive buildings are important for a city. Others believe that the money should be spent on improving schools and hospitals.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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More attention should be paid on how money should be spent for city's development. Some people argue that money uses to construct great buildings are significant for urban areas. Although this is true for some extent, thanks to having impressive buildings make the city more famous, other people think that money is weighty for build education and health institution in the cities. However, I strongly believe that increasing a quality and a quantity of public service facilities better than developing spectacular buildings.

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TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Feb 9, 2015   #2
Hi, I think you have the wrong format for this type of prompt. I would structure it as
Intro
Body 1 - why impressive buildings are important
Body 2 - why schools and hospitals are important
Body 3 - my opinion
Conclusion

You can often combine body 3 with the conclusion in the above outline. Here are my suggested corrections:

Some people think that large, impressive buildings are important for a city. Others believe that the money should be spent on improving schools and hospitals.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion
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More attention should be paid on how money should be spent for {what city? my city? every city?} city's development. {try to add a sentence or two to show why this topic is important} Some people argue that money uses [should be used] to construct great buildings[ that] are significant for urban areas. Although this is true for [to] some extent, thanks to [since] having impressive buildings make[s ] the city more famous, other people think that money is weighty {"money is weighty" is incorrect and unclear} for build[ing] education[al] and health institution[s ] in the cities. However, I strongly believe that increasing a [the] quality and a quantity of public service facilities [is] better than developing spectacular buildings.

The most of big cities generally need many buildings to support their citizen's life activities. {tie each topic sentence back to the prompt - make it clear which side you are discussing} They have to spend much money to construct the[se] edifices. Money comes from [the] government's budget or private sector. While some buildings are used for an office and business activities like hotel[s ] and restaurant[s ], certain buildings are used for residential purpose like tower block or apartment. {it is not clear to me what these sentences have to do with the main topic} For instance, nowadays, there is [can be] one building block that has a lot of facilities. It is mentioned as a "one stop living" place where people [who] live in [a residential] dwelling area can do many things for their daily activities, especially doing sport, working, and buy[ing] some food to meet their need[s ]. Spend[ing] money is useful to construct the buildings, even though I think that the local government or private sector has to provide basic need[s ] for human being's life.{"human being" sounds odd unless you are talking about biology or comparing humans to other animals} {the whole point of this paragraph was unclear - are you saying this tower block is an example of a large, impressive building?}

Conversely, education and health cannot [be] separate from [a ]human's life.{human is like human being - see my comment above} Developed cities can be seen [judged] from the improvement of education facilities and the complete[ness] of health medium [services] instead of impressive buildings. Both of these sectors have determinedhuman's [citizens'] quality of life[, b]ecause, [with] more educated and healthy people, all the city's activities become more passionately. {"passionately" is an adverb and so can't be used to describe "activities"} However, the magnificent building is one of [the] supporting facilities for developing education and health to become better public service among the citizen. {this is a little unclear}

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that using money to add some number of the best education and health facilities to the cities will make city-dwellers' mental [health] {although mental health is not really what you mean I think} become much better. Although many people think that build[ing] impressive buildings mak[s ]e the cities more notable, I recommend that local government has to [should] pay attention to the improving human life especially in education and health sectors.


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