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Spending money on appearance: right or wrong? Discuss both sides


ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 19, 2015   #1
Topic:Many people spend a lot of money on clothes, haircuts, and beauty products to enhance their appearance. Some people think that it is a good way to spend money, while others think that there is a better way to spend it. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Human being is instinctively attracted to beauty and, accordingly, does everything to manipulate the environment they live in so they can quench this feeling. Some people go one step further and pay a lot of attention to their appearance, thus, spend their money on clothes, shoes, and the like. However, this behaviour is questioned by critics who believe there are better ways for spending money. Knowing the fact that both sides overlook important considerations, this essay aims to address each group's reasons to provide a better understanding of the matter.

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vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 19, 2015   #2
Oops! Your introductory paragraph was going quite well until it ended without the presentation of your opinion as the last sentence in the paragraph. I guess it might have slipped your mind? Remember that the essay writing rules requires a statement of the prompt, overview of the discussion, and your opinion before you can proceed to the individualized or discussion by topic.

Now, now, you should know better than to present a new idea at the end of the essay. Your conclusion should not contain your point of view. Instead, your point of view should be presented as a well developed stand alone paragraph within the essay. You will need to revise that part in order to properly meet the essay rules.

Grammatical errors exist in the essay and I look forward to pointing them out to you for correction. However, I need you to fix the problem parts first so that we can limit the number of revisions you will have to perform. I'll get back to you with that list of corrections the minute you get back to me with the revised and improved essay.

I am not going to fault your essay regarding content because the discussion you presented is quite informative, analytical, and well developed. I can see that you are beginning to think beyond the obvious with your reasoning and that shows a marked improvement in your writing style and skill :-)
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 19, 2015   #3
Thank you Luisa for the valuable comments on both of my works I posted today. I'm not going to argue over what I wrote I just have a question. I'm really confused with an essay structure. I had an IELTS mentor two years ago and she was also a native English speaker with an excellent writing skills. She said for the writer opinion should be stated in the conclusion except for the "agree and disagree" topics that needs to be written at the introduction. This is the structure suggested in the book "practical writing with reading" too. I'm not trying to say who is right or wrong. I'm just saying it to know your opinion on it.

And if I mentioned my opinion at the end of the introduction, and then start talking about two different viewpoints in the body, doesn't it ruin the coherency of the essay? how can I write my opinion and still keep the unity. Maybe it is a better idea to my introduction first and then post it here to see your comments on it.

It is 9:51pm here, and I am still at the office. Shall I revise the essay tomorrow, and post it here again. Thanks again for your help :)
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 19, 2015   #4
That is one way of writing the essay. Placing your opinion at the end though, as a part of the conclusion, does not leave you too much room to properly express your opinion and develop your line of reasoning. Which is why it is best to deliver it as a stand alone paragraph which is well developed and discussed. As for presenting it at the start of the essay, you need to keep in mind that an examiner will be reading numerous essays within a matter of hours and he will tend to get bored and tired of the repeated essays that he reads. By presenting the pertinent information at the very start, you create a notable hook that will keep him hopefully interested in what you have to say to the very end. For example, if he already knows the common opinions about a given topic, then he will tend to take your essay lightly. However, if you present your personal opinion on the matter at the top of the essay, he may decide to read your paper through and give you better marks because you made him interested to find out about your personal opinion. With regards to the coherency of the essay, there will not be any confusion regarding the content because you are going to always specify that the essay will discuss the following topics including your personal opinion that... Which gives the reader an idea of the flow of the essay discussion. Provided you use good transition sentence or paragraphs before moving on to the next topic up for discussion, there should not be any problem with that.

You also need to view these practice IELTS tests in another manner. While practicing for the IELTS, you will also be able to practice writing your common application essay writing skills for your further studies. As such, treating the IELTS test in the same manner as an academic application, you will be able to hit two birds with one stone. You will be able to practice for your formal exam and also allow yourself an opportunity to practice academic writing for your other university applications :-)

This is just my opinion of course and if you wish to follow the format you are already used to then I will adjust to it :-) I would hate for you to have to develop a new style of essay writing if you are not comfortable with it. I look forward to your revision :-)
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 19, 2015   #5
Hi Luisa,
I added some lines and changed a few words, which all have been written in blue color below. I wrote my opinion in a split paragraph, but I'm not sure if I can do it for the future works as it may take a lot of time and I'm afraid I cannot finish writing in 30 minutes. It is a good idea though, and I will try to get used to it. Looking forward to your comments :)

Human beings are instinctively attracted to beauty and, accordingly, do everything to manipulate the environment they live in so they can quench this feeling. Some people go one step further and pay a lot of attention to their appearance, thus, spend their money on clothes, shoes, and the like. However, this behaviour is questioned by critics who believe there are better ways for spending money. I admit that I am categorized in the former group, even though the other group of people overlook important considerations. Hence, this essay aims to address each group's reasons to provide a better understanding of the matter.

Those who are against the idea of spending money on appearance think that there are more crucial issues deserveto be invested in. Saving money to build a brighter future is the statement they naively use to convince people about their opinion. As an example, if a person who spends $2000 on suits every year, saves this sum for four years he could buy a well-conditioned car instead. These types of playing with numbers(not sure about this part of the sentence whether it is correct) are sometimes generated to more expensive items like winning a house auction and so on.

The other side of the debate, however, believe that being good looking is not just about beauty, it brings many social benefits. First, it increases the level of confidence. There are social experiments proved that young girls at the age range of 13-25, who wear makeup, participate in more social activities due to their greater confidence. Second, wearing neat clothes has always a positive effect in first expression, which is an imperative element in our social life. People normally are attracted to those who are looking good, simply because this is the human's intuition. In short, spending money on appearance may be seemed unimportant, but if we look deeper it is a deciding factor in our social communications.

In my opinion, the reasons indicated by the followers of the idea of spending money on appearance are more legitimate. Everything in life is related to our social lives and that is why a human called a "social animal". In addition, the amount of money spent on appearance will never reach a level to make a big change in life. It is not rational to expect that we can buy a house, a car and run a business just by saving the money spent on shoes, haircut, clothes, etc. If that were the case, all the critics would be millionaires.

In conclusion, although the view of allocating a constant budget to appearance may sometimes be attacked, as it is deemed wasting money, its positive social effects are undeniable, so one can conclude that a society where being attractive and appealing is on its priority, would be more advanced socially.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 20, 2015   #6
Your work is improving by the day Ahmad. However, you need to familiarize yourself with current events and pop culture in order to be better prepared to discuss a variety of topics. Keep in mind that IELTS exams will test your knowledge of British, Australian, and world cultures, which will include current events and popular trends. This essay topic is a clear example of that. The way that you discussed the essay shows a common familiarity with the topic but not the bigger picture. The bigger picture that shows how the luxury industry is a billion dollar market that has people going into debt in order to afford the lifestyle sold by the creators of consumerist economies. That is why books and movies like The Devil Wears Prada and Confessions of a Shopaholic, even Sex at the City, all show the too much spending on a lifestyle can have negative effects on a person's life and is thus, the wrong way to spend money. However, those who know how to balance their spending, come to enjoy the benefits offered by luxury and savings. Sorry about having gone off tangent a bit there, I just felt that examples of how to balance an essay discussion is important for you to learn how to write more effectively.

That said, there are a number of grammatical errors that need to be addressed in your essay. Pointing them out below for you with corrections and suggestions :-)

Those who are against the idea of spending money on appearance think thatthere are more crucial issues deserve to be invested in.
These types of playing with numbers (not sure about this part of the sentence whether it is correct) are sometimes generated to more expensive items ....

- What is the point of this paragraph? Are you saying saving money is wrong? Or that saving over a long period of time for a future goal is not possible?

The other side of the debate, however, believe that being good looking is not just about beauty, it brings many social benefits.

- Others believe however, believe...
- You have based your discussion upon an unacceptable basis. The essay begs you to discuss this issue from a professional, income earning and spending level. Using criteria based upon teenagers, who are not old enough to earn nor spend the money they earned weakens the discussion. Use only age relevant information in order to give credibility to the discussion.

In my opinion, the reasons indicated by the followers of the idea [...] all the critics would be millionaires.

- In my opinion, humans are social animals who need to spend money on their looks and images in order to create a niche for themselves within society. The amount of money that they spend may never allow them to buy a house, car, or run a business. Saving money on shoes, clothes, and haircuts won't really make a difference either. If it did, then the critics of the lavish lifestyles would have become millionaires by now.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 20, 2015   #7
you need to familiarize yourself with current events and pop culture in order to be better prepared to discuss a variety of topics.

Thanks for your suggestions, now I can see the other side of the coin. I wish I could do what you said, but I'm too busy for doing this. Writing thesis, papers, reports, conducting experiments, characterizing samples and many other life problems all limit my time. Besides all these things, I have to work on my English, the only time I have is after 6pm (the time of the day that I'm almost dying of fatigue), and I still haven't started getting prepared for other skills like reading, listening--so stressful. Anyway, I will try to read more newspapers and magazines, whenever I find time

What is the point of this paragraph? Are you saying saving money is wrong? Or that saving over a long period of time for a future goal is not possible?

I just tried to explain how the critics think and somehow I wanted to implicitly say that their arguments are not that strong, but I guess I made it a bit vague :(

In my opinion, humans are social animals who need to spend [...]

Thanks for providing this beautiful paragraph. I would memorize some phrases to use them in my future works :)))

Thanks for helping :)
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 20, 2015   #8
LuLu, thanks, but comments like this brings you to the brink of suspension :D


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