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JasmineNguyen 2 / 4 2  
Mar 7, 2020   #1

funds for human aspects or wildlife protection?

Topic: Some people think that a huge amount of time and money is spent on the protection of wild animals and that this could be better spent on the human population. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is thought that a vast amount of time and money is allocated to human aspects, rather than the wildlife protection. I totally disagree with this view because of the following reasons.

People should invest their resources to the protection of animals in wildlife for various reasons. Firstly, wild creatures play an essential and irreplaceable role in human's life as well as production. To be specific, in terms of agriculture, pollinating insects such as bumblebees help to produce seeds for many of crop plants, therefore, the decline in such insects has provoked so much concern. Moreover, in terms of economic aspect, wildlife is the cornerstone of tourism, which has the effect of boosting the economy as well as creating many jobs. Human fascination with the wild animals is a driving force to develop the tourism and the economy in local areas.

Secondly, wild species are vulnerable to face threats from natural diseases such as fire, floods and droughts, and human activities such as hunting, poaching, and land-use practices. Meanwhile, the vanishing of one species can seriously impact on the existence of many others, setting off a chain reaction leading to the imbalanced ecosystem. For example, the near-extinction of gray wolves restored in the Yellowstone National Park due to overhunting leads to the significant decrease in beaver populations. This is because plants that are an important nutrient of beavers for winter survival are more heavily grazed by elk, without the wolf as its predator.

In conclusion, the importance of wild animals to a continued human existence has never been more obvious than today. They contribute to the development of human life from agriculture to economy aspect. Furthermore, they play a vital role in well-balanced ecosystems. Therefore, it is necessary to spend myriad time as well as money resources to inhibit them from extinction.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,839 4175  
Mar 7, 2020   #2
You are short by one sentence in the paraphrase. A complete paragraph is 3-5 sentences long. This is not a complex sentence presentation. It is just a very long sentence. Remember, you need to provide 3 separate representations for:

- Topic
- Reason 1
- Reason 2
- Response to the question posed

Your response to the question is too mechanical. It is practically a memorized response. You need to make is sound less memorized so say something like; "I have a very strong opposition to this presentation." You don't need to say "following reasons", create a fluid discussion instead. Stop at a strong opposition then kick off the reasoning paragraph with a topic sentence. That shows a clarity of thought and coherence in the presentation.

Don't discuss several reasons in one paragraph. The paragraph is stronger when you offer strong discussion reasons for your topic sentence. The examiner is looking for a clear discussion, supported by strong examples in the paragraph. Giving 2 not so well explained reasons just creates an incoherent and non-cohesive paragraph presentation.

Your concluding paragraph is incorrectly formatted. I did not see a reverse paraphrase in it, which is what the concluding summary requires. Instead, the essay is open ended. You did not really prove that you are able to restate your own reasoning in 2 ways, which is the point of the concluding summary.
ngoquanghung - / 2  
Mar 9, 2020   #3
Your essay lacks cohesion and a little bit stiff (maybe try working on the format of the essay by reading samples essays. You should also paraphrase the prompt when writing introductions and conclusions, you may get a more points for task response in that way.

You should also discuss the topic more thoroughly. For example, you can also talk about why we should not spend money on animals. In that way, your essay will have depth. Check out samples essays on sites.
andreita89pp 2 / 6  
Mar 9, 2020   #4
I would provide more explanations and go more deep into the topic.
you just used 2 paragraph to explain why you disagree and I do not think that is enough for the Essay
keep working and good job with the vocabulary!