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Spending whole time doing the same things is better than change?


Hang nguyen 1 / -  
Sep 5, 2017   #1
Task: some people prefer to spend theirs lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

P/S: please correct and give me score

change is the modern life



People have different views on various aspects in their lives. Some argue that spending their whole time doing the same thing is great. while others want to change their life in many ways with new things. Personally, I strongly believe that change is always a very good thing.

It is obvious that a stable life with a good job and the same daily routine habits makes people feel safer, happier and peace in their mind. They do not have to worry about anything because they need to repeat the same activities day by day. Furthermore, they can spend more time enjoying their lives without having difficulties or troubles. Besides that, choosing a steady life often helps them gain good achievements or successes. Thus, they only focus on the same things they actually would like to do. Theirs time, attempt, knowledge and even money are completely invested into these things.

On the other hand, it is hard to deny that change always brings us interesting and strange experiences, especially for an extrovert person. It is innovation that makes us more improved and developed. Particularly, in a modern world like these days, change is an inevitable trend. Our lives will become funnier, more colorful and meaningful if we have many different things to do everyday. In addition, maybe change helps us realize the real aim that we want.

To sum up, each of the views above have its benefits. However, I totally agree that change is a useful thing in the modern life.

evamusifa 1 / 2 1  
Sep 5, 2017   #2
Personally, I strongly believe that change is always a very "good thing". I think good is weak vocabulary and also thing is not specific.

try to avoid to use cohesive devises in each sentence.

In your body paragraph you tend to use word "thing" that i think this word is vague.

for the second body paragraph, i suggest you to write the concrete example about different activities that make introvert's life becoming more developed or funnier.

You may also put the data in your second body paragraph, for example :
Particularly, in a modern world like these days, change is an inevitable trend. According to the research reveals that 65% people worldwide move from their comfort zone to a new life by doing activities.............

Our lives will become funnier, more colorful and meaningful if we have many different things to do everyday (this sentence i think is jumping idea).

Also, your conclusion is not illustrate a whole information from your essay.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,929 2183  
Sep 6, 2017   #3
Hang, a typical IELTS test that will gain a decent enough score should have 4 paragraphs in it. While you could write an essay in 3 paragraphs, that brief sort of response does not help to increase the GRA and C& C scores in the test. Aiming for 4 paragraphs allows you to add one layer of scoring considerations for your essay that normally has a positive result. The essay that you wrote does not take advantage of that fact and is actually, very brief in all its presentations. This was a situation that was caused by the misrepresented prompt requirements. If you review the prompt again, you should see that you were given the outline to write a 5 paragraph essay based on the provided topics. The proper paraphrase is:

Change is something that some people view as a good thing in life. While these people prefer to do the same thing in lives and try to make changes in lives every so often, there are others who would rather avoid changes in their life structure whenever possible. This essay will discuss the possible reasons behind these two points of view after which I will be offering my personal point of view regarding the discussion as well.

Now, let's see what you have in the essay. The second paragraph discusses the reasons why people prefer not to change. The third paragraph, tells the reviewer why people prefer to change. There is something missing... I got it! Your own point of view. Which of the two sides do you support? You should have had a paragraph that explains your own point of view as it aligns with one of the two topics that were previously presented for discussion. You did not relay your personal opinion in the essay which made the essay shorter than it should be and also, only partially responsive to the prompt requirements. As such, the final score on this essay would probably be a 4 overall.

Remember, you cannot offer new information in the closing paragraph. So your opinion agreeing with the positive effect of change in life needs to be presented in its own paragraph, possibly the 3rd paragraph and must offer supporting evidence that will strengthen the position you support as well as your own line of reasoning.
tran14 12 / 26 7  
Sep 6, 2017   #4
1) Punctuation error.
2) Smooth but not impressive introduction.
3) You misunderstood the prompt. It asked you to discuss both views before giving your opinion, so you have to state that you will explain those arguments fisrt, then say that you are going to point out your view.

4) Becareful with plural words and uncountable ones.
5) False expression, should choose words more carefully.
6) You did not link sentences properly.
7) Cumbersome and incorrect ways of expressing ideas.
8) Irrelevant opinion (sometimes).
9) You did explain further your ideas. However, I still feel not enough with your explanations, may be because they are not fully developed.
10) Too many simple sentences. Remember to use a variety of structures in order to score higher.
11) Paraphrasing the topic again is need in the conclusion. Your conclusion is too short to be considered a good end for your work.
12) Lack of lexical resources.


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