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Sports which enhance team spirit are most beneficial but others advocate for individual competitions

oanh9a6 1 / -  
Jun 6, 2019   #1


Topic: Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People are likely to feel energetic when it comes to sport. While some believe that sports which enhance team spirit will be most beneficial, others advocate for individual competitions. From my perspective, both sides have their own merits and vitally become a refreshing part of people' life.

Team sports, namely soccer, basketball, volleyball, etc. have been played for a thousands of years and the benefits accompanied with the excitements they bring about are undeniable. Firstly, integrating oneself into a team gives individuals a chance to improve their communication skills. Since teamwork is a priority, people have to strive their best to cooperate and behave in a decent way, which will therefore have a good impact on one's social life, especially on children. Secondly, team building activities bridge the gap between people and widen their friendship network. When engaging in the game, one can become others' teammate regardless of gender, age, skin or various professions. This diversification significantly helps enrich the culture, widen one's knowledge for life and better understanding of others.

On the other hand, some people are supportive of individual sports, such as swimming, tennis, skiing etc. mainly because it boosts one's competitiveness to the highest along with their self-esteem. Thanks to this, players have a motive to improve themselves day by day and therefore become more confident when performing on the public. The next reason is that when competing alone, there is certainly no peer pressure. In other words, there will be no criticism if the player can hardly keep up with the team. Instead, the only motive driving them to success comes from within, which is much more powerful.

To reiterate, being a solo player or becoming parts of a team is equally advantageous since they teach people the necessary skills not only for the game but also for real life.

(words: 304)
Hi, I am Oanh
Please check and give me feed back with a band score. Thank you so much ^^

Wendynguyen803 3 / 5 2  
Jun 6, 2019   #2
Hi @ oanh9a6
I'm impressive in your writing skills and the vocabulary you'd used. But I think the mistake here is that you don't accomplish your task response: give your own opinion. Although everything is quite excellent ( coherence and cohesion, lexical resource, grammar) and that you state "From my perspective", I think it's better to be completely inclined to only one view of the argument.

If I were you, my introduction will be like this:
From my perspective, while both sides have their own merits, I would be completely preferable in attending (individual/team) sports.

Here are just my opinions about your essay. However, I'm still a student and haven't took part in the Ielts test yet so it's quite hard for me to give your work a band score, sorry (*゚ー゚*)

Good luck as always!
Maria - / 1,100 389  
Jun 6, 2019   #3
Hi there!

Will not necessarily give a band score, but I'll do my best to help you with the substance and structure of your essay.

First and foremost, consistency with the forms of your words is essential to retain as you are writing. This will help you curate a more academically appropriate structure for your content. If you can do this, you'll be able to redirect your attention to writing more elaborately without losing track of the conventions of writing.

A key technique that I always tell people is that if you can separate a sentence into two separate chunks, opt to do this. If you have done this, you'll be able to structure your essay more efficiently with using simpler formats. This will help you minimize potential mistakes from having too much backlogged information.

In addition, I suggest having a more structured approach to your sentences. I have observed that you have quite a baffling hold of the overall content of your essay. If you can, focus on following conventional writing patterns. This will help you create more depth without risking common mistakes in writing with a followed outline.

Keep these comments in mind when you are writing. Best of luck as always.

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