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Sports facility is a big factor of improving public health but it is not enough


SHabib 1 / 1  
Feb 3, 2015   #1
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing
the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have
little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.


Nowadays our life style has been changed due to technology, so every person has become a lazy and this life style has badly affect of public health. There are two school of thought, one is say that public health improve through sports facilities but other say that sport is not enough for it and they demand other measures. Now I discuss both points of view.

First of all people argue that the number of sports facilities should be increase for improve public health. Govt. should facilitate to public with sports facilities and give awareness about the importance of sports exercises. They should encourage to public on local level to improving health through sports. They should organize sports events on local level and establish sports club for young generation. On the other hand Govt. should provide good and healthy sports to senior citizens, which is useful for their.

Whereas, second argue that sports facilities are not enough for improving public health. They said that many other things require with sports facility for public health. Because of health damaged by unhealthy food, they do not go for morning walk and exercise and they have many health problems due to bad life style. Therefore, they insist to Govt. to give awareness about healthy diet, exercises, morning walk, and healthy life style and also provide best medical facility to public. In this regard a campaign should be start about healthy diet and bad habits, it is also take strict action against whose selling bad food product and drugs etc.

My point of view with second argues, I think public health required many other things along with sports facilities. Sports facility is a big factor of improving public health but it is not enough, so should b provide all other measures to public for their good health by Govt.

ruwchii 6 / 18 3  
Feb 4, 2015   #2
Nowadays our life style has been changed due to technology, so every person has become a lazy and this life style has badly affect of public health. There are two school of thought, one is say that public health improve through sports facilities but other say that sport is not enough for it and they demand other measures. Now I discuss both points of view.

Let me try to rewrite the introduction.

Due to the advance of technologies nowadays, people lives become more convenient. However, this trend leads people to an unhealthy lifestyle in some extent. While some people think that a number of sport facilities in society could encourage the improvement of public health, others think that this measure would bring negative development to public health, so another solution is necessary to cope this issue. Therefore, I personally believe that both views stand up for some reasonable reasons.

so should b(where is the subject?) provide all other measures to public for their good health by GovtGovernment.

maybe you intend to write like this:

so other measures should be provide by the government to maintain the public health.

For your information, you need to state your conclusion to end up your writing.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,204 469  
Feb 4, 2015   #3
Now I discuss both points of view.

Well, this phrase is too common, as thousand students always use this. I suggest that you rewrite it. ( See how @ruwchii helps you)

Para 2:

First of all ( a comma here)(some) people argue that the number of sports facilities should be increasedforto improve public health. (Why you say so? give a clear reason prior to an example)

Let's give a try: It is believed that the number of sports facilities should be increased to improve public health, as this will encourage people to do physical exercise even in busy activities.

Also, this paragraph needs a small example as to support the topic sentence and a small conclusion prior to open a new paragraph. Let's give a try

A 2001 Harvard study pointed out that the significant rise in Japanese health has grown rapidly since the late 1960s, as the government invested more money in supporting public health by introducing the insurance of universal health in 1961. As it can be seen from the example, public health facilities ensure people to pay more attention to all aspect of their everyday life.

Govt

This appropriate abbreviation cannot be used in Academic Writing, or IELTS.

Para 3

Whereas, second argue that sports facilities are not enough for improving public health. They said that many other things require with sports facility for public health. Because of health damaged by unhealthy food, they do not go for morning walk and exercise and they have many health problems due to bad life style. Therefore, they insist to Govt. to give awareness about healthy diet, exercises, morning walk, and healthy life style and also provide best medical facility to public. In this regard a campaign should be start about healthy diet and bad habits, it is also take strict action against whose selling bad food product and drugs etc.

This needs to rewrite. You could imitate the aforementioned layout. Sorry to resay: each topic sentence is to have at least a clear reason, a scientific example, and a small conclusion.

Para 4

My point of view with second argues, I think public health required many other things along with sports facilities. Sports facility is a big factor of improving public health but it is not enough, so should b provide all other measures to public for their good health by Govt.

You are not allowed to introduce a new topic here. A conclusion is to write with the following steps:
1. A concluding signal: In conclusion, to sum up, etc
2. Restate the thesis statement
3. Recall the main points
4. Personal thought: recommendation, fears, or hopes.
OP SHabib 1 / 1  
Feb 5, 2015   #4
Thanks so much ruwchii and eddies for suggestions


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