Ielts writing TASK 2 - Sports professionals don't deserve such high salaries for their work

My first question is, whether I properly answer the question, because even though I provided reasons WHY they receive or not receive - I don't give enough reasons who deserve to receive greater salaries and didn't emphasis on my personal opinion.

Other than that, I am not sure whether some of my sentences are not too long and too ambiguous.

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal of money than people in other important professions. Some people think that is justified while others think it is unfair.

Discuss both points and share your opinion.

Huge money in professional sport

Popular sportsmen can have significantly greater salaries than people with other occupations. Many people state that sports professionals deserve that enormous rewards, whereas others believe sports athletes' salaries are unjustified. This essay argues that people's incomes should be determined by their contribution to the society and therefore sportsmen do not deserve to be that affluent.

Most of the popular sportsmen have greater salaries because they attract more interest into communities. Their most important ability is to entertainment for people. Consequently, the most interesting they are, more people will be inclined to pay to watch them and concomitantly they will earn more money. For example, according to a research conducted by Harvard university, 90 of the asked people would rather pay to attend a sports event than pay for other activity.

Despite the fact that being entertained is an essential part of our lives, the are other jobs who are of paramount importance for our lives. Every single day, many people risk their lives in order to provide safer and more convenient environment for us and our children. Moreover, without their work, our lives would have never been that satisfying, but unfortunately, their sacrifices are usually overshadowed due to the fact their work is not that attractive for the ordinary people. For instance, a recent study found out that the average salary of a sportsman is likely to be 5 times greater than the salary of a doctor, even though the doctor's contribution to the society is much greater.

In conclusion, I think that although sports athletes' work is more interesting, people who have more significant impact on us and our lives, such as soldiers and police officers, deserve to have bigger incomes.

George, there is actually a way that you can get around the personal opinion requirement of the essay. That is to discuss the two sides of the story based upon your personal opinion immediately. How do you do that? First you have to give the public opinion on the matter and then, within the same paragraph, give your personal opinion for the discussion of the public belief. If it is something that you do not believe in, then immediately contradict the opinion by saying something like "I don't believe that this reason is justified because...". However, if you support the opinion, then say "In addition to this opinion, I also believe that...". So in both instances, you manage to give your personal opinion in a manner that makes it seem well developed in the essay even though you have not said a lot in terms of your personal opinion. This type of presentation creates a better, stronger, and more developed discussion of the prompt provided. When you get to the concluding part, you don't need to do anything more than just restate the prompt, pro and con opinion, and then state your final opinion on the matter. Now don't forget, you still have to include your personal opinion at the end of the opening statement so that the reader will know how to identify your personal opinion in the overall essay.

hai george, well in my opinion sportmen duty is to not just entertain citizens, but also become a figure of a country in worldwide, particullary in olympic games consisting of international athletic constents. he have to be a winner to make his country proud of him, importantly, to make his country become one of the prestigeful countries in the world. so that's why a sportmen can rake it in from the government. perhaps, it can be added as one of your main idea

the are other jobs who are of paramount importance for our lives => there are other jobs which have paramount impacts to our lives
i hope it will help you, thanks and good luck hehe