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Sports have the same importance as classes and libraries and require also similar funding


lebuixuan 1 / -  
Jun 6, 2019   #1

sport or social service is as critical as seminars and learning facilities



Hey hey hey! I am having my ToeFL test very soon so I hope everyone could help me achieve a writing score of 26/30!

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Whenever we inquire a body of students in regards to their most awaited aspects in beginning college, they would more or less present the same answer: the courses and societal thrills. Personally, I feel that although education should be undergraduates' prime focus in the years to come, extracurricular work, in athletic and humanitarian pursuits, offers comparable value as well. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

To begin with, undertaking non-scholastic ventures helps students to build bridges, which is a fundamental skill in attaining substantial triumph at this day and day. To be more specific, by having circles of distinct endeavors, such as sports and social service, undergraduates are offerred an enormous fortune of encountering peers with whom they can speak the same language and ultimately establish a relationship. My personal experience is a compelling example of this. Precisely, I was acquainted to very few students during my freshman year of college. To be frank, although I shared seminars with them, seldom did we speak outside of class unless an upcoming assessment was around. This resulted my hardship in establishing a firm connection with my peers which, however, was soon abolished when I enlisted into my school's Model United Nations group. Upon my first meeting with the panel, I was able to hit it off with the organization's leader and co-leader there since our virtues and commitment to eradicating social prejudices aligned. We soon became friends and continued to be so until today. Essentially, without partaking any athletic nor communal programs, I wouldn't able to form bonds with my peers.

Secondly, assembling a strong sports team or influential social campaign through the development of afterschool programs would benefit a college tremendously. It is imperative for an institution to upgrade their facilities and resources through time, which could accrue to an insurmountable fee annually. However, through the glory that their representative team have achieved, universities could raise finance by accepting request from an influex of enterprises to endorse their merchandise. For instance, my sister's school was renowned for cultivating the leading basketball lineup among American colleges. Thanks to that, her school had yielded an immense number of sponsors from prominent sports brand and clothing lines alike. Consequently, the proceeds that the university earned were funnelled into expanding the science labotory and funding experiments for their professors. Those decisions had solidified my sister's school to be among the top in the STEM field and research opportunities.

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that extracurricular opportunities,within sport or social service, are as critical as seminars and learning facilities to any academies. This is because they aid pupils in affiliating one another and are a wonderful asset for the schools when these extracurricular organizations gain traction.

buiminhese 3 / 4 1  
Jun 6, 2019   #2
Dear Lebuixuan,

I study IELTS, but I guess the requirements for IELTS writing and TOEFL writing should be the same. So here are some of my comments:

1. I think you should review the singular and plural nouns in your essay. For example, "sports and social services". You wrote "sport", "social service"
2. Check spelling. For example: "laboratory", not "labotory", "at this day and age", not "at this day and day"
3. In the body part, I think you should not use "I", "my"... Instead, use a third person. For example, "a student", then "he or she"...

Good luck to your exam
Maria [Contributor] - / 366 173  
Jun 6, 2019   #3
@lebuixuan
Hello!

Good luck with your upcoming test. And let me try to help you improve your writing.

I think that your essay is well-written. Most of the mistakes that have arisen are mostly due to the rising complexity of the language, making it essential that you reference back to your fundamental grammar rules to ensure that you aren't dragging your essay. That being said, omitting a few words that are causing quite an excessive tone to your essay will also be beneficial for you. This will let you have more space to integrate depth-based writing techniques that'll help you with writing.

Additionally, watch out for the forms of words that you use. Consistency is critical when you are writing. If you should write something in plural form, do that. If you start with a particular tense, it would be helpful to end with that tense also.

Let me revise a few parts to show you what I mean.

..., undertaking in non-scholastic ... to build bridges, ... in attaining substantial triumph at this day and day. To be more sSpecifically, by having ... an enormous fortune of ... a relationship. opportunity to expand their peer groups with individuals who speak the same language, establishing a firmer relationship bond My ...

Know and recognize when you are utilizing excessive language. For instance, saying substantial triumph is already irrelevant, considering that a triumph is already quite a loaded word to be tied to substantial remarks.

Best of luck in your writing as always. Don't be afraid to keep in touch at all times.
suong1510 3 / 3  
Jun 10, 2019   #4
My advice is that you should use words dividing your ideas into distinct ones such as: Firstly, Secondly; so that readers will be easier to follow your thoughts. Also I think you should include more examples that are more popular rather than from your personal relatives, so the essays will be more academical. anyway, your overall tone is amazing and vocabularies are high-standard. So I hope you will have an expected score for the upcoming exam.


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