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Sports stadium - the changes in an American town between 1948 and 2010.


Reza_Hidayat 13 / 18 1  
Mar 27, 2017   #1

Diffrences in town during years



The map provides a breakdown information of American-Town Alteration between 1948 and 2010. Overall, it could be divided in two sides under consideration were in the right and left side of canal.

The first image in 1948 shows that there were many residential houses between local supermarket and park. Meanwhile, factories were located beside the park, and patrol station was opposite of the road. However, in the right side of canal, church was opposite of the local supermarket.

By comparison, the second map in 2010 illustrates that there was a dramatic growth in the number of commercial buildings. Local supermarket was turned into commercial buildings and it was been relocated in the middle of town. Furthermore, factories disappeared and it transformed into airport. On the other hand, in the right side of canal, the church had changed into sports stadium.There were only petrol station and residential houses which had not shifted over a 6-decade period.






Anhy chan 12 / 23 1  
Mar 27, 2017   #2
@Reza_Hidayat
Mr Reza, your overview seems unclear since you just exhibit a very general statement in your introductory sentence. Moreover, try to make your essay more flow in your first body paragraph in order to use a variety of sentence and linking words. Beside that, you have to put more attention on your word choosen to make it coherence. Following this, a slight gramatical range still shown, such as:

Was been relocated -------- Was relocated (Passive voice)
Factories disappeared and it transformed into airport ------ Factories disappeared and transformed into airport (Make it simply, because "it" refer to factory"
syamsiahRahim 9 / 15 3  
Mar 27, 2017   #3
@Reza_Hidayat
Let me give you some feedback..
The map provides a breakdown (of) information of American-Town...
Overall, it could be divided in two sides under consideration were in the right and left side of canal. (I think, you must make your overview clear)

Overall, it can be seen that there were some of alteration in the east and the west of village's road.
The first image in 1948 shows (showed) that there were many residential houses between local supermarket and park.
... it was been relocated in the middle of town( Past passive voice form => S+was/were+V3).
syamsiahRahim 9 / 15 3  
Mar 27, 2017   #4
Mr. Reza,,,,, Sorry for my previous comment
I mean your overall can be changed
Overall, it can be seen that there was many alteration in the left side of the canal that across the town and just one thing was alteration in the right side.
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Mar 27, 2017   #5
Andi, your essay does not put all of the information that you were provided with to good use. You should have used the compass provided on the page in referring to the locations or directions of the development in the town over the indicated number of years. Since you did not use the compass, your presentation suffered in terms of accurate representation of locations within the summary report. This caused a sense of stress and confusion for the reader who was trying to analyze your work or use the summary you wrote for information. It also made the essay you wrote less informative than it should be. Remember, when you are presented with specific information in the illustrations, you must do your best to utilize the information in order to increase your overall score. The score increase will come from the complex sentences that you can possibly develop using the information provided, as well as prove that you have a good grasp of the English language through your lexical resource use. Based on these writing pitfalls that exist in this essay, I think you only possible score would be a 4.


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