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About me: Sri Lankan but was born in Australia - my first paragraph


supunja 1 / 1  
Feb 14, 2011   #1
Hi I'm Ethan Kody,

I wanted help to make my first few sentences interesting in my essays to captivate my audience at first. I would appreciate ideas of how to make it interesting. Thanks for all the help you put in.

My name is Ethan Kody. I'm Sri Lankan but was born in Australia. My favourite subject is maths but I still enjoy english. My schooling life has been great so far. At my previous school, Buckley Park College, I was strong with english and was an 'A' Grade student. However, I have had many experiences with the language and I have many weaknesses as well.

That was my essay. I hope you can help me

Thanks
Ethan
miss capricorn 2 / 3  
Feb 14, 2011   #2
so far it seems very short and not personal. i'm not sure what your prompt is but i would go off of your background and make your first sentence be a statement that sums up your culture of being Sri Lankan but born in Australia. then write you attended Buckley Park College and how the schooling was great. Say why math is your favorite subject, but you still enjoy english because.... then add about your experiences with the language and how you were an A grade student at the previous school.

maybe ask yourself after reading each sentence, what does it mean and why is it important. filling in details like that makes it personal and attention grabbing right away.
OP supunja 1 / 1  
Feb 15, 2011   #3
Thanks a lot miss capricorn. That would really help me when I present to the whole class.
Thanks Ethan
Chelo 5 / 13  
Feb 15, 2011   #4
Essay is quite good, but I think it si lacking the details or it is not in style wchich will grab one's attention
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 22, 2011   #5
Ethan, I'm so glad you are participating here. You are correct to try to catch the reader's attention. But how will you do it? No one cares where I was born or what the details of my background are. They only care about themselves! :-) So give them an intriguing sentence that makes them feel interested:

My life is full of contradictions. My name is Ethan Kody. I'm Sri Lankan, but was born in Australia. My favourite subject is maths, but I still enjoy english English. My schooling life has been great so far. At my previous school, Buckley Park College, I was strong with English and was an 'A' Grade student. However, I have had many experiences with the language, and I have many weaknesses as well.

Look at all the commas I added. When you use "and" or "but" you usually should use a comma. Not always, but usually.

Google this: how to use a comma for a compound sentence


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