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Starting a business, instead of trying to gain a job in an occupation (IELTS Task 2)


anita11 28 / 20 2  
Feb 27, 2016   #1
Q: Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization.
Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?


The huge number of unemployments is one of the crucial problems which have to be faced by numerous countries. In this case, many people think that everybody should have entrepreneur spirit to start a business, instead of trying to gain a job in an occupation. I personally believe that starting to be the entrepreneur has much more benefits to them rather than the drawbacks.

In fact, entrepreneurs have to face the huge risk that their own businesses can experience default anytime. It is because the world economic crisis can suddenly come and disturb the stabilization of their business as well as own company. For instance, 1998 witnessed global crisis and caused many private companies in Indonesia bankrupt. Finally, numerous entrepreneurs must let their profit and asset of their own company lost. Thus, I think that they have to overcome the possibility if their companies collapse into bankrupt.

On the other hand, the entrepreneurs are the people who are free to do something in their companies. It is because they do not work to other people. To illustrate this, the owner of shop can manage the time and income of their shop. Consequently, the entrepreneurs can be more creative to operate their own companies. There is no doubt that independency of entrepreneurs also support the government programs to deal with the number of jobless.

To sum up, it is evident that beginning to create the own business has more pros rather than cons. The successful businessman should encourage societies to start their own business and the government should support the spirit as entrepreneurs by financial aid.

Wolf Larsen - / 127 47  
Feb 27, 2016   #2
Hello Anita11

I took it upon myself to fix the first paragraph in your text: 1. Unemployment is one of the crucial problems, faced by many countries. 2. This is the reason why it represents a common belief that people should seek to start a business of their own, instead of trying to secure a conventional job. 3. I personally think that there are indeed a number of benefits to such an option, which overweight the affiliated drawbacks. 4. The option's main downside has to do with the fact that becoming an entrepreneur is challenging in many respects - not the least because of the ongoing economic recession.

I did it to show you the strategy for simplifying sentences - this will make the text much more readable. I understand, you want to sound sophisticated, but I think it'll make much more sense if you focus on ensuring the text's clarity for now. In its turn, this can be accomplished if you remain observant of the 'cause-effect' principle while writing. That is, you should make sure that every sub-sequential sentence directly derives out of the previous one and defines the actual rationale for constructing the next one. Hopefully, you'll find this helpful. Regards.
Linda91 30 / 40 3  
Feb 28, 2016   #3
... face the huge risk that their own businesses WHICH can experience default anytime. It is because the world economic crisis can come suddenly and disturb the stabilization of ...

Finally, numerous entrepreneurs must let their profitS and assetS of their own company lost.
OP anita11 28 / 20 2  
Feb 28, 2016   #4
thanks a lot mr Wolf Larsen (as contributor) and Linda . i'll try my best in the next essay. i know that this is one of my problems, making the sentence readable easily.

thanks for your attention. i hope next time you can cheque my writing again. :)


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