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Should the state funds go for art rather than on other public sectors? IELTS 2


alicexyz 1 / -  
Nov 20, 2019   #1
Pleae give feedback to my essay below. Thank you so much for your kindness!

GOVERNMENT INVESTMENT & ART



QUESTION: Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

People have different views about whether state fundings should go into art or other public sectors. While I admit that public facilities should receive sufficient financial help from the governments, I disagree with the view that allocating money on art-related activities is money-wasting.

First of all, it is undeniable that national budgets should be spent on improving public services. These services, which often include hospitals, schools, traffic system, and so on, can determine people's living standards. In fact, without these facilities, they can face numerous challenges. For example, in some underdeveloped countries in Africa, due to the inadequate funding for clean water supply, people usually suffer from water-borne diseases, which are responsible for millions of deaths every year. Consequently, undoubtedly, a large portion of the government's investment should be allocated in public sectors to promote citizens' quality of life. However, this does not necessarily mean that spending money on supporting art is wasteful.

It is justifiable that governments should provide financial assistance to art as it can offer numerous cultural benefits in terms of culture and economy. Artwork, such as music or theatre, plays an indispensable role in preserving the national heritage and also passing its precious traditions along to future generations. Indeed, art requires state support as it can be difficult for this sector to generate a handsome profit. For instance, water puppetry, one of the unique folk arts of Vietnam, receives a significant amount of money from the governments. These fundings, which help artists hold many free-ticket performances annually, could not only significantly contribute to the preservation of this type of art but also foster the awareness of traditional values among the young generations.

In conclusion, while public services require a certain amount of government financial support, I believe that a certain volume of this fund should also be distributed to the art.

Maria [Contributor] - / 1,047 372  
Nov 20, 2019   #2
@alicexyz
Hi there. Welcome to the site! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach us for additional information should you have more questions!

Generally speaking, I don't find anything that's glaringly tough to understand about your writing. I think that you write very well, especially in comparison perhaps to other people. Other than being able to write well, the flow of writing that you have is obviously put-together.

What I do think can improve your writing would be to focus more on compartmentalizing and prioritizing details in your essay. For instance, the third paragraph appears to be rather cluttered because you were using quite excessive language. What you could have done was improve the entirety of the writing by focusing more on which details are actually necessary.

Also, try your best to link back the details in the most logical way possible. If we take a look at the second paragraph's last sentences, they do not seem to tie up with the rest of the intent of writing.


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