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Staying in one place and living in different area.


intiaiqbal92 13 / 13 2  
Apr 8, 2015   #1
Hello, I am studying IELTS now..I need your help for correcting this, thanks ! :)

In the past, people usually stayed in one place throughout their life. These days, people often move around. They often live in several different places in their lifetime. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both?

Basically, people want to live in the most comfortable zone.That is why most people just stayed in a one place in the old days as they wanted to close to their family and their friends, while this gradually makes them to be a socially awkward persons. However, for some others, they nowadays prefer moving to the different places in order to gain new experiences and have more job opportunities, but this leads people to experience culture shock and to pay more money. Thus, I personally argue that living in the same place is a good decision to have a peaceful life.

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IqbalThemi 44 / 46 13  
Apr 8, 2015   #2
Hi initia, your writing is good. However, I have few comment.

Basically, people want to live in the most comfortable zone.That is why most people just stayed in a one place in the old days as they wanted to close to their familyfamilies and their friends, while this gradually makes them to be a socially awkward persons. However, for some others, they nowadays prefer moving to the different placeslocations in order to gain new experiences and have more job opportunities, but this leadsalso causes people to experienceget culture shock and to pay more money. Thus, I personally argue that living in the same placeresidence is a good decision to have a peaceful life.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Apr 8, 2015   #3
Hi intiaiqbal92,

DISREGARD THE PREVIOUS EDIT, TAKE THIS ONE HERE;

So to start with I have a few bullet points for you;

* Keep usage of words to a minimum as much as you can (avoid repeating them )
* Keep your essay simple and understandable, use words that are conversational
* Proof read all the time ( this helps a lot)

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

In the past, people usually STAY in one place throughout their life. These days, people often move around. They ( DELETE "OFTEN" AS YOU USED IT ALREADY) live in several different places in their lifetime. What are the advantages and disadvantages ( DELETE "of both", MAKES THE SENTENCE CONTRADICTING?

NORMALLY, (CHANGE "Basically",ITS ALREADY A HOUSEHOLD WORD) people want to live in the most comfortable zone.That's why most people just stayed in a one place in the old days, they want( DELETE "ed", ITS AN ONGOING ACT) to (ADD "BE" ) close to their family and their friends, while this gradually makes them to be a socially awkward PEOPLE ("persons" IN ENTIRELY WRONG AS YOU ARE REFERRING TO A GROUP) . However, for some (DELETE "others, they",UNNECESSARY) nowadays THEY prefer moving to different places in order to gain new experiences and have more job opportunities, but this leads people to experience culture shock and they pay more money. Thus, I personally argue that living in the same place is a good decision to have a peaceful life.

The positive effect living in one place is having a convenient life ( CHANGE "since" TO BECAUSE) when people have problems, they (CHANGE "enable" TO - ARE ABLE) to be supported by their family. (CHANGE "This is because" TO - THAT IS WHY) they stay nearBY their relatives. However, this trend has A drawback as well, that is, staying in one place will lead TO socially awkward character. For this reason, humans do not know about what happens in the world and they tend to be nervous when they meet a new person. In other words, to live in the same place is good but it has more disadvantages THAN ADVANTAGES TO people.

Turning to the people who like TO go around to unusual placeS, this also has some advantages. People are definitely gaining new experience with the new culture in a new environment. This makes people knowledgeable about how to socialize with others in different culture. Then, people would have many job opportunities, particularly when they move to a city with lower unemployment rate. On the other hand, this issue can be costly. Even though people may have a home to sell, they would still need a new place to live and would spend money driving to the city in advance and LOOK for a new home. Thus, culture shock is the matter that usually happens when humans live in a new place. All in all, it is true that moving TO a new place is the best decision for someone who want to change his whole life.

In conclusion, although some people believe that growing up in A different place would improve people's life, I would argue that people who are living in the one place automatically have easier life. It is imperative that someone should consider about where he want to continue his life.
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Apr 8, 2015   #4
Basically, people want to live in the most comfortable zone.This beginning is somehow bizarre. Remember the more informative your essay is, the more point you get. Do not even utilize the word basically!

has a or drawbacks drawback as

All in all- you should save this phrase for your conclusion

I would argue( be against, contend, oppose) that people who are living in the one place automatically have easier life. Your opinion must be the last sentence of your essay!


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