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The short story on Abraham Lincoln -- An Attempt

Apprentice 1 / 1 1  
Oct 3, 2015   #1
please rate this short story from 1 to 10 ,. insight son how to improve are also most definitely welcomed .

An Attempt

"Abe, honey, what would you like to drink with your breakfast?" Mary Asked Abraham in light, pitchy tone." Dear, please you know I do not like that nickname. Just call me either Lincoln or those sweet words of yours like honey for example, and only cold water by breakfast.

"I never knew you didn't like the alias, Abe .I means what's in it not to like. It`s short and nice."

"Just don't call me Abe. For instance, how hard is it to call me Abraham or Lincoln, will it waste a few seconds of your day? No, it won't," he said in a frustrated tone.

"Sure thing, I won't call you Abe again and you need to de-stress. What are you so tensed up for? Is it because you are going to sign the emancipation proclamation and give a little speech. You are the president. You signed up for significances like this that often imprint in history. Do not worry , you are not doing a bad deed but causing a great change that you will be remembered for .oh , and about that drink , I think it'll be better if I made you some brewed mint with tea to loosen you up a bit ," replied Mary .

As Abraham sat in the white house ,having his royal breakfast , he kept on thinking about how this proclamation would affect a bevy and how it could echoed through the following generations and affect the slave trade .The proclamation would definitely affect many slave owners and shippers , it could cause a great loss of money for slave owners . Abraham knew he was creating a good change and believed that it was a human`s right to have freedom regardless of skin color especially when under the skin, we are all the same.

After the signing of the proclamation, former slaves rejoiced about their freedom after years of hard work without pay, mistreatment, and being ripped apart of their families to be taken as slaves who work in a foreign country. After all this time of alienation, only now they are entitled as free.

To celebrate the signing, the vice president invited Abraham for a drink at a far, disreputable bar known among most criminals and dangerous folks. Abraham accepted the invitation to show his respect towards the vice .After reaching the bar and ordering drinks, Halfway through his drink, the vice started to talk to Lincoln in a whispering tone , like as if saying words that if heard would cause lots of trouble , and started laying out his elaborate scheme . It resulted in taking an incredibly small, unnoticeable portion of the taxes and dropping them to a bank account of a trustee at certain intervals to prevent detection.

The idea did not seem to allure Lincoln, but in fact, it surprised him. The vice president countenance showed that he predicted the president`s reaction. "I am well aware of the dangers of such actions and their consequences. Thereby, I created a foolproof, unorthodox method that will result in ensuring that those actions will remain hidden from all but me and you," said the vice. Abraham just sat there in shock with frozen, blank look on his face as if he was shot and wounded deep. He could not comprehend the words that came from the vice. How could the vice speak about performing such large-scale thievery, especially to the president without shame? Was all Abraham Lincoln thought about in those mere seconds? There was something unwonted about the president. He did not backfire. Something had extinguished the candle of bravery and courage that shone its light brightly and distinguished Abraham from other cabinet members even in times when his political party was the one to blame. It was something that both the president and vice knew very well, a recollection. It was after The Presidential Elections by two year ,in 1862,when his son kicked the bucket at a young age .The president entered a state of depression that he kept hidden from those around him .in one of those days of depression he was in terrible mood and couldn't stand remaining in the white house . He felt his chest and everything around him get closer and tighten around him, so he went, in disguise with load of money that he did not have the right to spend, to casino and drank shot after shot until he lost his focus. He started, then after that, gambling with the money, in his half-unconscious-half-conscious state. He spent extravagant amounts of money until he did not have red.

It seemed as if both the president and the vice were in each other's mind .the vice then let out a small laugh that was more like he was kicking air out of his nose and started saying, "you see , you don't have a choice after all . If we don't splice hands on my pernicious plan, your secret will reach the public, and you can't imagine the number of suspicions it would rise on the people`s mind." Abraham locked his eyes on the vice but from the inside he did feel like he had no other options .Abraham placed his hand in the vice`s. the vice`s countenance showed for a flickering second a surprise at the rate at which Abraham agreed and that his devious plan had worked out well.

After the little chat, each went on his own way. The president headed to the white house, but the vice had other stops he had to make. He headed to his brother, George, who was about to start running a factory and farm whose workers are mainly composed of slaves who do not get paid. This will increase his profit by a threshold .George had always been a supporter of slavery. He dreamed of running the business with maximum profit, but when Abraham Lincoln issued the emancipation proclamation this dream of his had been rendered impossible and illegal, in addition to the rest, all his money spent on the slaves is now wasted .this really caused his anger to claw inside him. George easily persuaded his brother, the vice, to cooperate with him on a plan to end those changes that Abraham brought along with him. The two brothers were insane, radical conservationist. They hated change and wanted everything to stay the same. They both worked on a plan that night .A plan that would be enforced by George because if his brother were to be the one who engaged in the plan, he would be an easy suspect. For the vice`s safety, George will not inform the vice about the plan but told him it will be executed two years from now.

George instructed his brother to write a letter about the plans of the president and information about him from what he likes to eat to what he likes to watch. "Once you finish a letter you need to drop it of at a mailbox near my ranch it's a counterfeit that I made for your letters and you need to come here at different intervals to drop the mail to avoid looking suspicious. To ensure safe during those times, I will set up a farm under your name which will provide you with an excuse for coming down here." After his brother's words, the vice bided farewell to him and took on the journey back to his office.

The following day everything seemed to return to normal except one thing that has slightly changed; the way Abraham treated the vice, which expected this and did not mind. The vice followed the instructions his brother has given him accurately and precisely and fortunately, he escaped the slightest suspicion.

After two years, just as his brother said, during one of the times the vice was delivering the letter, he saw his brother standing grinning there by the fake mailbox, he went and greeted his brother. When he met George, he said "it`s time. " This placed an earnest look on both of their faces. George told him, "It will happen in ford`s theatre .I have organized something between me and the main stage actor. It turns out that he too was a radical conservationist, which really eased the talk. For large sums of money, he agreed to assassinate him but it will occur on his timing. Now go and be careful. "

On his way back, the vice thought about what would happen, how he would react, is it too late to return? His thoughts kept on spiraling on him taking turns punching his feeling and increasing his anxiety, but he knew he cannot change things now and reminded himself that he wanted this in the first place. He reached the white house and saw the president. His heartbeat doubled, thumping hard within his chest as if his heart is breaking loose. He kept on thinking about how would he live with himself and only then did he remember that he would succeed Abraham since he is the vice. He knew that being the president is a large position to earn and require a wise man who can handle the responsibility of the whole country .being the vice is already stressful enough imagines being the president. He could not withstand the pressure of holding such a secret, of being the cause of the first assassination.

The Vice had to do something, he headed to the president and said," how can I say this ... From where do I start, I'm sorry but you can't go to the theatre it will threaten your life, someone wants to assassinate you .I am warning you . I am sorry for everything I have done. Oh! Will you ever forgive me! "After saying those words, the vice somehow managed to steal Abraham Lincoln`s pistol. As Abraham was turning to face the vice, who pointed the pistol towards his own head and said," please forgive me, I have already said enough and can explain no more," and with an eye filled with sorrow and regret that looked through Abraham like as if it will burn a whole in him and with one last pull of the trigger, The vice shot himself in the head and fell on the floor, a puddle of dark red blood formed near his head.
vangiespen - / 4131 1449  
Oct 3, 2015   #2
Shehab, I would give your short story a rating of 4. The essay was too wordy to the point where you were mostly telling the reader what happened instead of showing them. When you write a short story, you need to remember to set up the background. Describe the setting, use dialogue that you are comfortable using. It is quite obvious that you are trying to use a line of language that you are not familiar with and that you used a thesaurus to complete more of the story using big words. It would have been better if you had just allowed the characters to speak in a natural tone of voice. The little dialogue that existed would have been more comfortable to read and engaging.

By the way, be conscious of your writing style. The term "kick the bucket" is a slang American term that really stuck out very badly in your story telling. It is not wise to mix modern English with what I would term "archaic" English. It shows a lack of research in relation to the way English was spoken during the era of Lincoln. Try to be consistent with the way you have the dialogue spoken and the way that you write your paragraphs.

With regards to the paragraphs, you need to work on the format of the story. Everything is meshed together on the page. There is a lack of transition sentences to prepare the reader for the change of scene or forthcoming event. Also, the narrative of the essay is too descriptive. You need to break that monotony by inserting some dialogue into it.

As a short story writer, your natural fallback will be to narrate the events. That normally works but in this case, the short story turned out to be a little bit longer than normal so you really have to edit the content. Try to relate some parts in quicker, more descriptively efficient terms. That will help hold the focus of the viewer on the story. Right now, there is a tendency for the reader's mind to wander due to the length of the story. Work on the continuity issues and the transition needs of the essay. Try to ensure that the paper will be easier to read and come to life on the page.

There a number of grammatical and sentence structure issues that exist in your essay. I suggest that you try to correct those yourself at this point because of the suggested revisions that I made. Should you successfully revise the story, then we can work on cleaning up the grammar problems for the final copy :-)
OP Apprentice 1 / 1 1  
Oct 3, 2015   #3
thanks for the feedback! it was very helpful

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