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Story that affected me most - my TOEFL essay


fearistheenemy 5 / 9  
Jul 17, 2009   #1
I am preparing for my Toefl test, and I really need someone to correct my essays. This is my first attempt, please help me to improve it. Thank you so much!

TOPIC: What recent news story has affected you the most? In what way has it affected you?
Use reasons and examples to support your response.


Some days ago, I came across a newspaper, and so read in it a story which inspired me a great deal. It was about a boy who cycled 100 kilometres to Ho Chi Minh City to attend the entrance exam to University.

That boy, called Hung, was from a poor family in Tien Giang (a province in the Southern area of Vietnam). His parents were both farmers, and it was too hard for them to afford their son's desire to study. However, the determined boy did not surrender. Lacking money for transportation, he had to cycle all the way of 100 kilometres from his town to Ho Chi Minh City, carrying nothing but some Tet cake and bottles of mineral water prepared at home. Arriving in the City, Hung could not find any apartment cheap enough to rent, so he spent his first night in the open air in a park. Luckily, earlier in the next morning, a kind man, who was going jogging, saw the poor boy and took him in, even when his family of seven people had to share a tiny apartment of only 20 meters square.

The story really left a great influence on me. I had not ever thought there would be such a hard working student. There are many examples of poor girls and boys who have been struggling to study, certainly, but what impressed me most in this story is Hung's determination. For me, travelling such a long way without a motor vehicle must be impossible; he proved that it is totally possible. Moreover, he could manage to stay alone with little money in a big city like that. I myself spent three days in Ha Noi to attend the entrance exam, and I do not know how I could manage there without the help of my parents. Now I realize that I should learn to be more independent. Someday maybe I will be in a situation like him, alone in a strange city, so trying to stand on my own feet is the only way to 'survive'.

All in all, I greatly appreciate the boy's determination. Indirectly, he taught me a valuable lesson: there are situations in life that are hard to undergo, but nothing is impossible as long as we try to.

[i]
Written by fearistheenemy[i]
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 17, 2009   #2
Not bad. The story is detailed and you express a personal connection with the central figure in it. You can tighten up the grammar in some of your sentences, though.

"The story really left a greatprofoundly influencedon me."

"Traveling such a long way without a motor vehicle would have seemed impossible to me; he proved that it wasn't."

"I myself spent three days in Ha Noi to attend the entrance exam, and I do not know how I could have managed there without the help of my parents."
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 18, 2009   #3
Yes, I like the details in this story very much. Your grammar and sentence structure are quite good, with only minor errors or occasional awkward phrases.
pianopig0011 - / 1  
Jul 26, 2009   #4
Yes! I agreed with these two people's comments on your essay. It includes details and is very fluent for readers. It seems very naturally flowing from your mind. Much better than me.

Here is my little suggestion that you could forge your essay in more layers. According to the TOEFL essay structure, you could divide the middion section into two paragraphs. Supposed we divided it into two,in the 1st section, you could point out that you were stroke by this student's altitude towards education. Compared with him, you do not even appreciate what you already have got. And then you could develop the story to support it. In the second section, you could point out that you admire him because he tried his best when he is confronted with diffculties in such tough situation. So you were deeply moved by this spirit and you realized that it is how important to possess such spirit. Also, you use details to support or color it.

all in all, i think your mastery of language could help you easily handle the IBT essay. However, perhaps you could pay more attention to the organization which may make it more convincing for ETS readers.
john6503 9 / 27  
Jul 27, 2009   #5
Your grammar structure and sentencing skills look really professional considering that English isn't your first language. However, for TOEFL, I guess you have to structurize your paragraph into intro, body, and conclusion just to make your essay more organized instead of stating you ideas in one chunk of paragraph. Except for that, I think you are very capable of writing.


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