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IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks


the leaf ninja 9 / 28  
Jul 24, 2011   #1
Many people leave the countryside for the greater opportunities which are offered by cities. This move is not without disadvantages for both people and the environment. What are some benefits and drawbacks of urbanisation?

Nowadays, the issue of urbanization is more frequently discussed than ever before due to its increasing impacts on lives and on the environment. The advantages of urbanization could be better economy and education and also less land to be used for agricultural purposes. In contrast, this phenomenon could result in poor living and working conditions and some negative effects on the air quality.

First, many people hope that if they move to live in a big city they could have higher-income jobs and better education. For example, Beijing is believed to be a dream land to many Chinese citizens. This is where many domestic and foreign companies are located so many young people from the rural areas of the country have moved to this city to look for occupation. These people wish to earn some money and send them to their struggling families. Other people, however, want their children to have the best education they can have. Often high-ranked schools or universities with well-trained teachers are in this city. Moreover, since the youth of the country sides have gone, there are not many people left to do the agricultural works so there will be less land to be exploited to produce agriculture products. This can be argued a good impact on the environment.

However, the critics of urbanization argue that as too many people move to major cities in recent years, there is greater competition for jobs. This means only people with greatest ability can remain staying in these cities. Often they have to work the jobs that they have to exert themselves so hard, such as the works in construction sites, and are often in dangers which can cause death to them. Big cities nowadays are facing the problems of overpopulation and the most obvious is the lack of space for people to live. Often, people from poor villages when they move to an urban area they have no choice but to live in the places which have no electricity and clean drink water. Some people even have to live under a bridge or in a park. Moreover, the expansion of city often leads to trees have to be cut off for buildings to rise. The reduced amount of trees can be easily linked to a rapid fall in the quality of air which can severely damage the health of many people.

In conclusion, after considering both sides of urbanization, more bad is felt to be resulted from this phenomenon than good. As such, the rapid increasing trend in the number of city life should be carefully managed by strict policies.

Please correct my writing. Thank you guys in anticipation.

hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Jul 24, 2011   #2
"The advantages of urbanization could be better economy and education and also less land to be used for agricultural purposes"
I think this sentence should be fixed:
The advantages of urbanization could be better economy,education, and environment.
It is parallel and clear

"This can be argued a good impact on the environment"
I add "as" before "a good impact"

"Often they have to work the jobs that they have to exert themselves so hard, such as the works in construction sites, and are often in dangers which can cause death to them"

I think this sentence is a little too long and it can be confusing with some people.

The way you start a sentence by using "often" varies in two sentences in a row

"Often, people from poor villages when they move to an urban area they have no choice but to live in the places which have no electricity and clean drink water"

It is missing something :d
also, drinking water, not " drink water"

"Moreover, the expansion of city often leads to trees have to be cut off for buildings to rise"
leads to tree cutting would be right

"The reduced amount of trees can be easily linked to a rapid fall in the quality of air which can severely damage the health of many people"

...of air, which can ...

"more bad is felt to be resulted from this phenomenon than good"
good and bad are adj so adding impacts or effects

rapidly increasing trend and the number of cities

My opinion :d
OP the leaf ninja 9 / 28  
Jul 24, 2011   #3
well yes hvthoteen, you are right in some corrections of my essay:
1. Often they have to work the jobs that they have to exert themselves so hard, such as the works in construction sites, and are often in dangers which can cause death to them -> In most times, they have to do the jobs, such as the ones in construction sites, which require them to exert themselves so hard.

2. drinking water not drink water

3. Moreover, the expansion of city often leads to trees being cut off for buildings to rise

4. rapidly increasing trend

Thank you very much for correcting me :)
hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Jul 24, 2011   #4
do you mean some of my corrections are wrong. I think they are all right :))
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jul 24, 2011   #5
hello,
I think that the corrections made by "hvthoteen" are correct . I would like to comment on the structuring of your essay.

In the first paragraph (Introductory para) , you have mentioned the advantages and disadvantages. This is not wrong, however I would advise you to save these points for later paragraphs instead of the introductory paragraph. More over the last sentence of the first paragraph is a really important one (Theme sentence). Your theme sentence gives the direction of your essay and is really the basis of the new writers. Professional writers can write without it also, but they know how to twist the emotions and the thinking of the reader. Do read this link to know what is the actual importance of a thesis (theme) sentence.

grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/thesis.htm

--> In the advantages section of the essay, you can write also the following points:
....availability of proper health care and attention in case of medical emergencies in cities.
.... higher standard of living and better facilities available in the cities.

---> In the disadvantages section, you can write also:
....over-crowded cities
....imbalance of the economy

----> Your conclusion is not as effective as it should be. I would advise you to write the most impactful lines in the introduction n the conclusion paragraphs. Moreover it is also a little short.

----> read the five para structuring of essays, it would be really helpful if you wanna give IELTS/TOEFL. Read this: bookrags.com/articles/4.html

I hope it will help you.

Good luck and cheers.
OP the leaf ninja 9 / 28  
Jul 24, 2011   #6
@hvthoteen: I just wanna keep some of those as they used to be, they are just minors and I feel it's alright to do so.

@ajit88rai: could you, by any chance, write a thesis sentence for this essay? I just want to see how you do it and to learn from it.

Thank you guys.
hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Jul 24, 2011   #7
ajit88rai: is it required that an ielts essay must have 5 paragraphs?. I sometimes see 7-8 band essays with only 4 paragraphs. This really confuses me
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jul 24, 2011   #8
Firstly you cant see an IELTS essay as they dont allow you to take anything out of the exam room except ur belongings.
- what you must have seen must have been corrected by teachers or professors but not the IELTS examiners.
-I believe in a minimum 5 para approach as I was advised this by a professional examiner .

-I never say that four para is wrong. Conventional argumentative essays require a minimum five paras. Maybe you can write an exceptionally good essay in just three paras. I go by conventional methods and improvisation is never a bad thing.

-Getting 8 bands in Ielts means the person would end up getting 8.5 bands out of 9.- which is a little more than exceptionally tough. I hope you do get it. Good luck

@leafninja- theme sentence is a line in which u state the opinion u gonna support .
OP the leaf ninja 9 / 28  
Jul 24, 2011   #9
Hi Ajit Rai,

Could I ask if you have any time before followed exactly the 5 paragraph structure (bookrags.com/articles/4.html) in an IELTS Academic Writing? and if the answer is YES, did you complete the test, I mean both tasks, in time?

Do you think it will take me more than 40 to complete the task 2 by following this 5 para structure if I'm not one of the "top" candidates who can easily generate ideas and write fairly fast?

Ajit Rai, I noticed that you are very active in this forum. You are doing a great work for others. I appreciate your help and may I wish you deserving all the goodness.
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jul 24, 2011   #10
Thanks Naruto. My IELTS experience was a real weird one I should say. The venue was a big very big hotel of our city, plus a real hot female invigilator was there, plus the tension of performing. I did Listening task really easily, Reading I somehow finished in time.

-In writing task, the sheet they gave, I thought that I have to fit my both tasks in that only. So I wrote the whole sheet in 50 mins n then sat there relaxing. I was disappointed that I wrote only four paragraphs for task 2. Just 2 mins before the end, I noticed that other students were taking extra sheets. I felt I screwed my exam. I know u will say it weird but when ur brain is working too fast then u do miss some trivial things.

-My band scores were :
L-8.5
R-8
W-6.5
S-7

-I still blame that confusion that i got less score in writing section. My essay strcuture was bad even when I knew what it should have been, but thats luck.

-Time management is very essential. One gal in my room had noted al the listening answerz while the audio was playing ,which is allowed, but she didnt write them on answer sheets in time-DO MANAGE YOUR TIME ELSE NO MATTER HOW GOOD UR ENGLISH IS, YOU WILL BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

-HOPE IT WILL HELP U

GOOD LUCK N CHEERS MY FRIEND
OP the leaf ninja 9 / 28  
Jul 24, 2011   #11
@Ajit Rai : have you applied for a reassessment? I think your writing ability should help you to get at least 7. I dont believe it too.

My score was 6.5 in writing too, and I think grammar and vocabulary are the two major things that need to be improved to get a better score.

I can tell you the truth that the invigilator for my exam was SUPER HOT too. She looks like Angelia Jolie. :))
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jul 24, 2011   #12
Well my score is sufficient to get me admission- so I dont wanna do any sort of re-assessment. :-)
ekekek 25 / 51  
Jul 25, 2011   #13
As one of IELTS candidates, I also quite appreciate Ajit's help~~
Your suggestions and recommended websites are useful~~thx~~

I try your use 5 pare. way to write essay, I think it's pretty cool~~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Jul 25, 2011   #14
What are some benefits and drawbacks of urbanisation?

They gave a stupid question here. It does not make you want to write an essay with a clear message.

Even if they give a stupid prompt like this, add a clear message to your essay.

Add a message to the end of that first paragraph. Send a message to the reader's mind. This is not just about listing benefits and drawbacks. It is about making an astute observation that will be MEMORABLE to the reader.

Do you know what I mean? It is what I always say: One essay = One big idea.

more bad is felt to be resulted from this phenomenon than good.---make this argument at the end of the first paragraph, and give a reason.

As such, the rapidly increasing trend...
birdman 3 / 28  
Jul 26, 2011   #15
EF_Kevin I would like to ask you one question. Well, is it possible to write a good essay, for example, for band score 7.5 with simple words on the IELTS examination? Once I heard that students shouldn't write with simple words in order to achieve a high band... What do you think?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Jul 27, 2011   #16
Well, is it possible to write a good essay, for example, for band score 7.5 with simple words on the IELTS examination?

You know, you might be right. I do not have a lot of experience with the IETLS.

I wonder if you are able to access an example of an essay that gets a high score. That would help.

Keep in mind, everyone who scores the test is just a human. She might interpret the scoring criteria differently than another judge interprets it.

Anyway, I know one thing: When you want to write web content, a novel, a professional letter, etc., the most powerful way to communicate is with short sentences.

That is why Yoda and Zen masters usually use short sentences. ;-)


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